Why Chasing Her Orgasm Is Making Sex Worse

Orgasms don’t make great sex.

A lot of people have sex with the goal of giving their partner an orgasm or having an orgasm themselves, and they think if I give my partner an orgasm then I’ve given them great sex, and if my partner doesn’t orgasm that means the sex wasn’t very good. But this is so far from the truth, and if your sole focus is on trying to give your partner an orgasm at the expense of everything else, then you’re probably not giving them the best sex that you possibly could.

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, sex coach and educator, and I’m passionate about helping you become the best lover you can possibly be.

And I’ve personally had many sexual situations where I’ve orgasmed, but I look back on that situation and I don’t really feel like it was great sex. And on the flip side of that, there’s been times where I didn’t orgasm but it was some of the best sex of my life, or my partner didn’t orgasm but it was some of the best sex of her life and she had a great time.

So why exactly is this, and what does make good sex?

Well, for starters, orgasm is a really short part of sex. So for guys it’s only going to last somewhere around five to 10 seconds. For women it can last longer and they can have multiple orgasms, but compared to the time that you spend having sex, the orgasm is actually quite a short part.

And another reason orgasms don’t equal great sex is that many times you can make yourself orgasm, or you can do a thing that you like in order to bring yourself to orgasm. So you could have 20, 30, 60 minutes of average sex, and then you can do one thing that you like to bring yourself to orgasm. Now just because you had that orgasm, that doesn’t make the last half an hour really good.

And also, when the goal of sex is orgasm, your partner can feel that. Your partner can feel if your goal in sex is for you to have an orgasm and you’re just trying to use them to get to that point.

And they can also feel if your goal is for them to orgasm and you’re doing everything you can to get them to have an orgasm. Then they’re going to feel this pressure that they need to orgasm in order to make you happy, and this pressure causes them to get inside their head, to be a little bit worried, and to not be fully present in the experience and enjoying the experience.

So what exactly does make great sex?

1. Don’t Make Orgasm The Goal

Yes, orgasms are great, they’re amazing. If orgasms happen, that’s incredible, go for it.

I’m not saying don’t orgasm. I’m saying don’t go into sex with the sole goal to achieve an orgasm. Go into sex with the goal to have a great time with your partner and connect with your partner.

And what are some of the components that can make sex great for us and for our partner?

2. Connection

The best sex is often with people that you feel really connected to. That could be a deep emotional connection, or it could just be a connection born out of passion and lust and desire. But I tend to find when I’ve got that connection, sex is so much better.

I remember having sex with one partner and we had this intense chemistry and connection, and honestly the sex that we had was some of the most boring and vanilla sex possible. I’m pretty sure we just did missionary position and that was it. So there was nothing crazy, but because of that intense connection it was some of the best sex that I’ve had.

And then I’ve also had sex that was technically really great, with lots of different positions, and we were in rhythm with each other, but because the connection with that person wasn’t there, the sex just felt a bit mechanical. It didn’t feel as good as it could have been.

3. Give And Receive Pleasure

Having the tools and the skills to be able to give your partner incredible pleasure is really important. And this isn’t just pleasure that’s going to bring them to orgasm, but it’s different types of pleasure.

This could be calming pleasure, or it could be teasing and light touch, or maybe it’s more intense passionate pleasure, or quick and rough pleasure, or maybe it’s orgasmic pleasure.

I often like to take my partners through waves of pleasure by building them up slowly and then dropping down the intensity, and then building them up again and dropping the intensity, and then eventually building them up to orgasm.

And if you want to learn one of the best techniques to give your partner some incredible pleasure using your fingers and your mouth, then I’ve got a free advanced tutorial where I show you my best technique for giving partners pleasure, and yes, eventually bringing them to orgasm.

To get access to that advanced tutorial, go to passionately.com/oral. That will also sign you up for my newsletter where I share loads of tips on how you can become a better lover, and many of those tips are too juicy to share on YouTube.

You also need to be able to receive pleasure yourself, and your partner needs to be able to receive pleasure. If your partner has the best techniques but you’re stuck inside your head, or you’re not connected with your body to really feel that pleasure, then sex isn’t going to feel as good.

The best sex that I’ve had tends to be where we both get off on giving each other pleasure, but we both really love receiving pleasure as well.

4. Diversity

Most of the great sexual memories that I have include a lot of diversity of positions and things that we did. So while I do have that one example of that intense connection and we just did missionary, most of my best memories are not just missionary and doggy, but rather sexual experiences where we mix things up a lot.

So this is moving between different positions, but also moving between doing different things. So maybe we’re kissing and we’re touching, and then we move to oral sex, and then intercourse, and then we go back to oral sex or back to touching, and then we play with toys, and then we have more intercourse, and there’s this natural flow and rhythm where we just find ourselves in different positions, and it’s a whole lot of fun.

Don’t just add diversity for the sake of it. Sometimes one position feels really good, and stick with that.

But if you’re stuck in a rut and every time you’re having sex it’s the exact same positions in the exact same order, this can make sex really boring, and even if you orgasm, it’s not going to feel like you had great sex.

5. Being In Rhythm With Each Other

This is sex where you’re in sync with each other, and sometimes that’s slow and sensual sex and you’re both in that moment together, and sometimes that’s more rough and fast sex and you’re both in that intense passion headspace.

But if you’re out of rhythm with each other, and maybe one person’s more intense than the other person, or your rhythms just aren’t lining up, then that tends to lead to bad sex for either one person or both of you.

So try to be in tune with your partner, get into the same rhythm with them, and when you get in the same rhythm, that can strengthen and deepen the connection as well, which makes better sex, and it can help you to flow into different positions, and that diversity can make the sexual experience feel better.

And so if you get to the end of this sexual experience and you’ve had intense connection with someone, you’ve given and received a lot of pleasure in diverse ways, and you’ve been in sync with each other, it often doesn’t matter whether you’ve orgasmed or not.

So stop making orgasm the goal. Orgasm doesn’t make great sex. Other things make great sex, and if orgasm happens, great.

And to learn more about how to make sex even better, go ahead and read this article on the 11 best thrusting techniques for better sex. And don’t forget to get access to that advanced tutorial where I show you how to give your partner some of the best pleasure and how to give them some mind-blowing orgasms.