Is She Faking It? How To Give Her Real Orgasms

No one wants their partner to be faking orgasms, but it’s extremely common. A recent study showed that up to 80% of women are faking orgasms about half the time and 25% of women are faking their orgasms up to 90% of the time.

So how do you stop your partner from faking her orgasms and how can you get to the point where you’re able to give her real orgasms over and over again?

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, coach and educator, and I’m passionate about helping you have a better sex life and give more pleasure to your partner. And if they’re faking orgasms with you, you’re not going to know what actually feels good and you’re not actually going to be able to bring them to orgasm.

So why do women fake their orgasms in the first place? Well, there’s multiple reasons that they do it.

The main reasons are to be nice to you and protect your ego. I was recently talking to some female friends about this and that was the number one reason that they stated for faking orgasms, that they didn’t want their partner to feel bad that he was unable to bring them to orgasm.

Another major reason that they faked the orgasms is that they want the sex to stop. So they pretend to have an orgasm so then things can stop because he feels like he’s done a good job.

The truth of the matter is there is an orgasm gap, with only 30 to 60% of women orgasming during heterosexual sex compared to 70 to 100% of men having an orgasm during sex.

So how do we get her to stop faking it and how do we give her real mind-blowing orgasms?

1. Let Her Know She Doesn’t Have To Orgasm

So many guys put pressure on women that they need to have an orgasm during intercourse in order for intercourse to be considered successful or for intercourse to stop.

However, if you let your partner know that orgasm isn’t a goal, orgasm doesn’t have to happen, you’re just there to connect with each other and give each other pleasure, then that’s going to take the pressure off her feeling like she needs to cum and it’s going to take the pressure off her feeling like she needs to fake it.

The truth is I don’t care if my partners orgasm or not. Yes, I like to give my partners orgasms, but I realized that I can’t make them orgasm. I can only help them to orgasm and sometimes that’s just not going to happen.

They might not be in the headspace mentally. They might not be aroused enough. My techniques on that particular day might not line up with what they need to orgasm.

So sometimes it just isn’t going to happen and I let my partners know both through talking about sex and talking about orgasm and communicating with them that, “Hey, it doesn’t really matter to me if you orgasm or not,” but also I say it through my techniques as well.

And I talk a lot about taking your partner through waves of pleasure. Most guys try to pleasure their partner in a linear fashion to take them from not aroused through arousal up to orgasm. And it’s clear with the techniques that they’re using that they’re trying to make their partner orgasm.

However, I like to take my partner through waves of pleasure and communicate to them with the techniques that I use that I don’t actually care whether they cum or not. I’m just trying to make them feel good.

So I can start out really slow and take my time. I can build them up and then I can bring them back down again with some slower techniques and build them up again and bring them back down, mixing in lots of different techniques throughout, and it’s the same with the sex that I have.

Sex doesn’t have to be linear where we start out kissing and touching and then go to oral sex and then move on to intercourse to orgasm. But the sex can flow in intensity and jump from different positions, where some feel more intense and some are slower and more sensual, as well as jumping around between intercourse and oral sex and touching.

And all of this just makes the focus on the sex and giving each other pleasure. It doesn’t make the focus on the orgasm.

2. Let Her Know Your Ego Isn’t Attached To Orgasm

You can also let your partner know that your ego isn’t attached to orgasm because I don’t actually care whether my partner cums or not. And I don’t feel like I have to make them cum in order for sex to be good.

Then my partners can feel that I won’t be upset, I won’t be hurt if they don’t orgasm, but we’ll still be able to have a great time together and we can stop when they’re ready to stop or when I’m ready to stop, whether orgasms happened or not.

3. Let Them Know It’s Okay To Stop

Some of my favorite lines to use are, “Let me know if this is too much.”

So when I am actually trying to bring them to orgasm with more intense techniques, I’ll say to them, “Let me know if this is too much,” because sometimes those intense techniques can actually push them over the edge into oversensitivity where things don’t feel good and they’re not able to orgasm.

And if they don’t feel like they can say, “Okay, that’s too much, stop,” then they’re likely going to fake an orgasm in order for it to stop because it’s not feeling good anymore. But by saying to them, “Let me know if this is too much,” once it does get too much they can say, “Okay, stop,” and we can move on to something else.

Sometimes I’ll also say to partners, “Do you need a break?” or, “Let me know if you need a break,” because I can last quite a long time and sometimes that’s too much for women. So rather than them feeling like they need to fake an orgasm in order for it to stop, I’ve said, “Let me know if you need a break.”

So if they need a break they can say, “Okay, yeah, I need a break,” and then we can stop having sex and we can cuddle and touch and maybe it will lead to more sex once they’ve recovered or maybe we’ll just stop there.

4. Be Willing To Stop Without Cumming Yourself

So if you have said to her something like, “Let me know if you need a break,” and she says, “Okay, I need a break,” then you should be able to stop without you feeling like you need to cum first before she can have a break.

Don’t make her feel bad for the fact that you haven’t cum and if she brings it up, which many women often do, just let her know that it’s no big deal. You don’t need to cum every time you have sex and you just really enjoy connecting with her and you can continue to cuddle her and touch her and keep the intimate moment going even though you’ve stopped having sex.

Reassure her that, yes, it’s okay for us to stop or to have a break and it’s really not a big deal, so then she doesn’t feel bad about it and she can be honest with you.

5. Work On Getting Better Technique

It’s a lot easier for her to stop faking her orgasms if you actually learn how to give her orgasms. There’s so many guys out there who don’t even know where the clit is, let alone how to build their partner up and give their partner an orgasm.

I’ve got so many great articles teaching you everything from fingering to oral sex, but one of my best videos is my advanced oral orgasm tutorial where I show you the exact techniques that I found to be the most consistent way to bring women to orgasm regularly and even give them multiple orgasms. To download that free tutorial, go to passionately.com/oral.

By learning that technique you’re actually going to be able to give her mind-blowing orgasms. It’s going to be so obvious the difference between a fake orgasm and a real orgasm and because she can actually orgasm she’s not going to feel the need to fake it.

6. Be Willing To Take Your Time

When you’re using these techniques for trying to give your partner an orgasm or just giving your partner pleasure, whether that be with your fingers, with your mouth or even during intercourse, be willing to take your time with your partner.

So many guys are in a rush to give their partner an orgasm rather quickly or when they go down on their partner they don’t spend a lot of time down there. It’s just a token amount of sex that they do before intercourse and they’re not really committed to it or committed to helping their partner cum, which can sometimes take quite a long time.

So when you’re going down on your partner or you’re giving your partner pleasure with your fingers, let them know that there’s no rush, that they can absolutely take their time.

You can let them know by actually verbally communicating that with them and saying to them, “Take your time, babe. I’m having fun just pleasuring you. There’s absolutely no rush. I just want to go down on you or finger you and make you feel good,” but you also communicate that with your techniques that you use and with the amount of time that you actually spend down there.

So if you’re going down on her for one to two minutes, most women aren’t going to cum in that time. However, if you sometimes spend sessions where you’re going down on her for 15 or 20 or even 30 minutes and if you’re showing her throughout all of that that you’re really enjoying it by talking to her, by moaning, by pleasuring yourself, then she’s really going to feel like she can take her time and naturally build up to orgasm and she doesn’t have to fake it.

7. Get In Tune With Her Body

You also want to get in tune with her body and in tune with her breathing so that when you are using these techniques on her you can begin to determine how she’s feeling and whether you should keep going with that technique or whether you should amp things up to be more intense or bring things down to be less intense.

Understanding your partner, understanding their pleasure and understanding how they get to orgasm is going to be really important to be able to bring them to those consistent orgasms.

Some partners can cum really quickly and you can build them up really quickly, whereas other people take time and you do need to take them through those waves of pleasure.

8. Learn What A Real Orgasm Looks Like

It’s also a good idea to learn what a real orgasm looks like with your partner so you can more easily tell if they’re faking it and then you could maybe bring it up in conversation and just say, “Hey, I don’t need you to fake it, I don’t care if you orgasm or not,” and again take that pressure off them.

One of the easiest ways to know whether they’re actually orgasming or not is to feel for the convulsing of their vagina or of their anus.

So when you’re fingering them or when you’re having sex with them, when a woman has a real orgasm she’s likely going to have a pulsing of her vagina walls which will tighten and then relax on your penis or on your fingers. This can be quite subtle depending on how strong her pelvic floor muscles are, but if you zone in on your feelings then often you can sense it.

The other thing that you can do is place a finger on her anus or slightly inside her anus if she’s into that, and when she has an orgasm you’ll notice this convulsing of her anal muscles as well, and this is an easier way to tell whether she’s orgasming because you can really tell the difference in the muscles in the anus a lot better than the muscles in the vagina.

9. Ask For Her Feedback

Another thing that you can do is ask for her feedback and talk about things that you can try together.

So rather than thinking that you know how to give your partner an orgasm, actually talk to your partner and say, “What do you like? What is it that you like that I do? What makes you feel good? What tends to bring you to orgasm? Or what are some things that you might like to try?”

Open up the conversation about your sex life and about her orgasm and really come into this conversation trying to understand her better and trying to understand how she likes to orgasm better.

Chances are you’re going to learn a lot about her that you didn’t know and sometimes these conversations can be difficult because she’ll tell you things that make you realize you’ve been doing it wrong and you’ve been doing it wrong for a long period of time. Trust me, I know, this has happened to me.

However, it’s always so much better to know what your partner actually likes rather than just trying to guess and you think you know the answer when really you’ve been wrong all along.

I remember with one of my partners they would respond really well to slow pleasure with my finger and they weren’t really making any noises or responding when I was more vigorous with my fingers. So I made the assumption that they prefer slow pleasure, not hard pleasure, and when we brought up this conversation I was saying, “I think you like this,” and she told me, “No, the opposite is actually true.”

So the feedback that I was getting and the assumptions that I had made were completely wrong, but because she told me what she actually liked then I was able to explore that more with her and find out that yes, she does really like that and yes, that is more likely to make her orgasm.

10. Use Toys To Help Her Orgasm

Many women can’t orgasm from intercourse alone or from receiving pleasure from their partner. The stimulation just isn’t intense enough and the pleasure to their clitoris, which is the way most women orgasm, isn’t strong enough either.

So by bringing toys into the bedroom they can get that extra stimulation, usually on their clitoris in the form of a vibrator, and that can really push them over the edge into orgasm.

You don’t need to think that you need to be able to give her an orgasm with your body alone. You are connecting here and giving pleasure to each other and it can be extremely amazing to be having sex with your partner while they use a toy on their clitoris and they’re able to orgasm over and over and over again.

I would much rather have my partner experience multiple orgasms with the help of a toy while we’re playing together than I would have her not orgasm at all because we’re only using my body to pleasure her.

So bring toys into the bedroom and also encourage her to touch herself and to masturbate. Not only can you really learn how she likes to be touched by watching her masturbate, because if you watch the way that she does it you can try to mimic that in order to give her maximum pleasure, but also she can bring herself to orgasm with her fingers while you’re having intercourse or while you’ve got your fingers inside her.

11. Don’t Cum Yourself Sometimes

And my last bit of advice is don’t cum yourself sometimes to let your partner know that it’s okay to have sex and not have an orgasm.

Sometimes I’ll be connecting with someone, we’re having really great sex, they’ve had an orgasm or two and I know that I can continue going and bring myself to orgasm, but I can also kind of recognize that they’re feeling tired and they’ve had a really great session and so what I’ll do is I’ll just stop and I won’t orgasm with them and I’ll just cuddle them and give them aftercare.

Often the first time this happens with a woman she’ll say, “What about you? You didn’t cum,” or she’ll even say, “I want you to cum,” and she’ll feel like she’ll want you to cum in order to feel like she’s done a good job.

But that’s a really great time to communicate to her that, “I don’t need to cum. I had a really great time having sex with you. That was absolutely incredible and I’m totally fine with not cumming. Maybe I’ll cum next time, but it doesn’t really matter.”

This is a really big communicator to her that orgasm doesn’t have to always be the goal of sex. The goal of sex is to connect with each other and give each other a great amount of pleasure and it can stop whenever it naturally wants to stop. It doesn’t have to stop with your orgasm and it doesn’t have to stop with her orgasm either.

And to learn exactly how to give your partner some incredible real orgasms, don’t forget to check out my free advanced oral orgasm tutorial, where you can learn the most consistent techniques for giving her mind-blowing orgasms, or go ahead and read this article on some of the best clit stimulation techniques.