My First Swingers Party: What Actually Happens

I remember the first time I was going to a swingers club, I was so nervous, but I was lucky enough to have a friend that I could call up and say, “Hey, how exactly do swingers clubs work?”

So if you’re thinking of going to a swingers club for the first time, or maybe you just want to know what happens at the swingers club, I’m going to be your friend today that you’ve called up, and I’ll tell you the lowdown of exactly what goes down at swingers clubs.

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, sex coach and educator, and I’ve been in the swing scene for around four to five years now. I’ve been to a variety of different clubs here in Australia, ranging from established businesses with permanent venues to businesses that run events at different venues to private parties as well.

Who Can Attend

Most swingers clubs allow couples and single females to attend. If you’re a single male, then some clubs do allow a select number of single males. Sometimes they need to be vetted beforehand, or some swingers clubs only allow selected single males on certain events or on certain nights.

I’ve been to swingers clubs both as a couple with a variety of different partners, and I’ve been as a single male as well, and they can both be fun in different ways.

The Cost Of Going To A Club

When it comes to the cost of going to a club, it varies from club to club. A lot of clubs will require you to be a member in order to go to events. This means that you often need to pay a membership fee as well as an event fee. The membership fee can be a one-off just for the event, or you can get discounts for longer time periods.

The cost of attending different events varies based on who’s running the event, but generally speaking the cost has been around $120 to $160 for a couple. Single females usually get in cheaper for around $40 to $60, and for single males it’s going to be more expensive, around that $100 a night.

Themes And Dress Code

Most clubs will have a theme for each night that there’s a party, and they’ll also have a required dress code for getting into the club. The themes range from all sorts of things. There can be lingerie nights, little black dress, angels and demons, mythic nights, and then you’ve got things like Halloween and Christmas, any sort of theme that you can think of.

And the themes can be really fun as they’re a nice icebreaker when you get there because you can comment on people’s costumes, they can comment on your costumes.

It’s up to you how much you spend on your costume and how much you go all out. There’s some people who go absolutely all out in the costume department, and I have done that on occasions. However, as someone who goes to quite a few of these events, buying costumes for every event can get really expensive, especially if you’re just going to be taking it off within an hour or two hours anyway.

So now I tend to put in a little bit of effort, but not too much. And you’ll also notice that the women tend to put in more effort than the men do. That’s both in terms of the theme, but also in terms of lingerie as well. But I guess as guys, we don’t have lingerie options like girls do.

So if it’s something like a lingerie night or a little black dress night, or there’s no huge theme, then you’re going to want to wear something that’s smart, similar to something that you would wear to a cocktail party. So for women, that’s a nice dress and nice shoes. For men, that’s mostly going to be a button-up shirt, nice pants, nice shoes.

I have personally rocked up to one event just in a nice black t-shirt with jeans and nice shoes, and that was fine. But I heard a story from a friend who was travelling and turned up to an event in Birkenstock sandals, and they wouldn’t let them in. So make sure that you wear nice clothes for when you get to the swingers party.

As the night goes on, more and more people will take their clothes off. The women will be in lingerie. The guys might just be in their jeans or in their underpants. Or even towards the end of the night, some people might just choose to stay naked and you’ll have naked people walking around everywhere.

But some clubs also have certain areas where you must be fully clothed as well. So there’s the play areas and the areas where the sex happens. And then there’s areas where you have to be fully clothed, or at least in underwear or lingerie.

The Biggest Nights

The biggest nights at the swingers clubs do tend to be those special events. So things like Christmas, New Year’s, Halloween, Easter, or some sort of special event that’s being run. And on those nights, you’re going to have more people there.

And that can be good because there’s more people there, there’s more opportunities for you and your partner to potentially find other people that you’re interested in and may want to connect with. But sometimes the low key nights can be really good as well.

Who Goes

When it comes to who actually goes to swingers parties, what are the people like, you’re going to get a huge mixture of people. Generally, when I’ve been to parties, most of the people range from your late 20s up until your 60s. And there definitely are some younger couples in their early 20s that go as well, but they seem to be less common.

And so it’s a big mixture of people in terms of age brackets. It’s also a big mixture of people in terms of physicality and attractiveness. So you’ve got some people who are extremely fit and guys who look like Greek gods and women who look like goddesses. And then you’ve got people who are more average looking or people who are on the bigger side. So there tends to be something for everyone.

When You Arrive

When it comes to the layout of the swingers club and the actual venue and how things work, I found it reassuring to get a rough idea of how things are going to go down.

Generally, when you arrive at the swingers party, there’s going to be a discreet door that is closed. You might need to buzz in order to get in. There may be a security person on the front door, but usually the entrance is pretty nondescript. There might be some people hanging out the front waiting or having a smoke before going in. It depends what time you get there.

Here in Sydney, the parties start at eight o’clock and honestly, it gets pretty busy pretty early. But I have been to parties that start around nine or 10 and no one really gets there till 11 or 12. However, if you’re new, I do suggest that you get there closer to opening time.

This will give you time to get a tour of the place. Generally, the staff of the venue are happy to give new people tours and it gives you time to settle in, get to know the area, and it gives you ample time to talk to people and get comfortable.

Because if you arrive late when the action’s already happening (and we’ll talk about that), then sometimes that can make it harder for you to connect with couples or find people that you want to play with if everyone’s already having sex anyway. So arrive close to opening.

The Sign In Desk

Once you go through the door, there’s likely going to be a sign in desk where they check your tickets and make sure that you’ve purchased one. They may also take and hold your phones because obviously, they don’t want people taking photos or videos. However, at the more private parties, they don’t seem to do this as much.

They might have lockers or cupboards for you to put your stuff in and you may need to put down a deposit in order to get a lock for the locker.

Many swingers clubs are BYO alcohol. I think it’s to do with laws that say they’re not allowed to have a liquor licence because of what happens on the premises.

At the sign in desk, they’ll likely also give you your number. So what this is for is then you take your alcohol, you go to the bar, you let them know what number you are. You may have a wristband with your number on it or a locker key with your number on it and what they’ll do at the bar is they’ll put masking tape on your alcohol and they’ll number it as well.

So then when you want to go ahead and get a drink, you go up and you say, “Hey, I’m number 46,” and they grab your alcohol. They can add any mixes that you want and then you can get your drink.

Most places will also provide mixes for your alcohol as well. Some places the mixes are free. Some places you have to pay for it. Some places, and especially private parties, you’re expected to bring your own mixes.

Most people will want to start the night with a drink, so go to the bar to drop off your alcohol, get a drink straight away and then you can move on to mingling.

Mingling

Most swingers clubs will have an area for mingling and then they’ll have a separate play area, and play is the code word for sex and where all of that happens.

One of the clubs here in Sydney called Our Secret Spot has a downstairs area that is for mingling. In the downstairs area, it’s a bit like a bar but it’s in a converted house. So they’ve got couches and they’ve got some barstools and chairs that people can sit at. They’ve got a pool table. They’ve got a dance floor with a pole as well.

And at the start of the night, you’ll find most people are hanging out in this mingling space where there’s music, where the drinks are, where the pool table is, and this is the time where you can talk to people and start to get to know people.

It’s like going to any other party. It can be a bit awkward in the beginning, especially if you don’t know anyone, but everyone’s there for the same reason and everyone’s really friendly. So you can go up and talk to people and start conversations or maybe people will come up to you to start conversations.

In the beginning of the night, I find that everyone’s just getting to know each other and there’s no expectations to go and have sex anytime soon, but as the night progresses, more and more people are looking to find partners that they can engage with.

I find that some people are just really happy for a chat, so even if you’re not a good combination with you and your partner and them and their partner, you can start some really good conversations with these people. And other people you can tell are really scouting for someone that they want to play with and they’re asking you questions to work out whether you’re a good fit.

Code Words

There are some code words as well that you might want to be aware of. I was really worried when I first went to a swingers party that there’s going to be all of these different code words and if I blink twice or scratch my nose, it would mean something that I didn’t want it to mean, but it’s really not like that. There’s only a few code words that you really need to know.

One of them is play, so people say, “Do you want to go and play?” That means do you want to go and have sex with us or do you want to engage in some sort of sexual activity.

People might also use the term soft swap or full swap. So soft swap means that they’re happy to do anything other than intercourse, so this could be kissing and touching and oral sex but no intercourse, whereas full swap means that they’re happy to do anything.

You’ll also find that with most couples and with the single ladies as well that most women at a swingers club are going to be bisexual. Not all of them, but a lot of them are open to exploring, and then you’ll find that very few guys actually identify as bisexual or open to exploring. There are a few of us, but we’re few and far between.

Consent

It’s also important to know that at a swingers club everything needs to be consensual and talked about, so no means no and people need to ask for permission before they can touch you or before anything happens. As a woman you’re probably going to get groped and felt up more going to a regular bar or regular club than you will going to a swingers club.

Now there are some bad actors out there and I’ve been to swingers clubs with partners where guys will get handsy with the partner as we’re walking past them and that’s just not okay, and most clubs don’t allow this. And if someone’s making you feel uncomfortable you can go and talk to the staff and generally that person will get a talking to or they’ll get kicked out.

But in all the times that I’ve been, 99% of people have been extremely respectful and we haven’t had any major issues with the bad actors.

The Play Areas

Now as the night goes on people tend to move towards the play areas. This is the exciting area where all the good stuff happens, and while the layout of each and every swingers club will be slightly different, it’s usually pretty similar.

You’re going to have multiple single rooms that contain just a queen bed, maybe a bedside, and that’s about it. Then you’re going to have a larger, more open room with beds where people can be exhibitionists or people can watch, and in those larger rooms as well you might have multiple beds that have been pushed together so that orgies and group sex can happen.

Many swingers clubs will also have a sex swing which can be really fun to use, and they might have a kink room as well which might contain some toys like whips and paddles and blindfolds which you can borrow to use on your partner, or you can bring your own toys, which is generally what I would do.

There also tends to be communal showers as well so you can clean up at the end of the night, and they tend to be all gender showers. And you might be able to lock the door or they might just be fully open, but by the time you’re having a shower everyone’s seen you had sex anyway so it’s not that big of a deal.

How The Night Progresses

So for the first couple of hours everyone’s going to be in the bar area mingling with their clothes on. As the night progresses you’ll notice that women tend to take their dresses off and will hang out just in lingerie. Not everyone does this but a lot of people do, and some guys might also take their shirts off or take their pants off and just hang out in their underpants.

Then as the night goes on more and more people will begin to move to the play areas. At the start of the night the play areas are completely dead, no one’s out there at all. Towards the end of the night the bar and that sort of area is completely dead and no one’s there at all because they’re all up in the playrooms. So you get this migration over the course of the night.

And up in the playrooms, generally you can just go up there and you can hang out and you can watch people having sex. It sounds really intense, and at the beginning if you haven’t seen it before it can be a lot to watch people having sex right there, but you’ll find that the longer that you’re there, it just becomes completely normal. And then you’re upstairs hanging out having a drink in your underpants or completely naked while people are having sex there and it just feels completely normal.

If you meet a couple or a person that you want to play with and want to have sex with, then you can talk about exactly what you want to do and then you can go to one of the play areas in order to play with them.

Private Room Etiquette

Now you can get a private room to play with that couple and there’s different etiquette around those private rooms. Generally if people are using the private rooms and they completely shut the door, that means they’re playing privately, no one else is allowed to go in, no one else is allowed to watch.

However, they could also go into that room and leave the door open, and usually there’s some sort of chain that they can put across which says, “Hey, we’re playing just us, so no one else can come in, but you’re free to watch if you want.” Or if you leave the door open and the chain off, then that says, “Hey, we’re playing in here, you can watch, if you want to come in you can ask us, but we may decline you.”

So just because the door’s open and the chain’s off doesn’t mean that anyone and everyone can come in. You still need to ask in order to go in, or someone needs to ask you. As I mentioned, everything’s very consensual, so if you say no then that person shouldn’t come in. If they do, that’s an issue and you can talk to the staff about it.

The Communal Rooms

So you’ve got the private rooms where if you meet couples that you want to connect with you can go and play with them there. You’ve also got those larger communal rooms as well where you can hang out and have sex.

Generally they’ll have beds spread around and a bigger bed, as I already said, and you can go ahead and have sex just with your partner on those beds, which can be really fun. If you don’t find someone that you want to connect with on the night, you don’t meet any other couples that you’re both into, you can just have sex with your own partner, but you can do it in a space where other people can watch you and other people are having sex around you. And it can be really sexy to be connecting with your partner and having this intimate moment while you can also see all this good stuff going around and while people can enjoy watching you as well.

In those communal rooms you’ll find that multiple people will use the beds. It depends how busy it is, but often you’re not going to get the bed to yourself. So even if you’re just using the bed to connect with your partner and you’re not having sex with anyone else, there might be one, two or three other couples also using that bed as well to have sex.

As the night goes on people begin to lose their nerves and it becomes a bit more of a free-for-all, but obviously consent is still really important. However, there’s been a lot of situations where me and my partner will be having sex on a bed and there’s a couple of other partners next to us and we haven’t even talked to those people, we don’t know them, but they’re having sex as well. And then we just talk to them and say, “Hey, can I touch you?” or “Can I touch your partner?” and they say yeah, and so you can be connecting with your partner while touching someone else or kissing someone else.

And I’ve had many people come up to partners that I’ve been with and say, “Hey, can we touch you?” or “Can we kiss you?” and it’s up to her whether she says yes or no. Or sometimes my partner will want me to play a more protective role and then I’ll say no because I know that she’s not into them.

I’ve had some incredible times at swingers clubs. Sometimes I’ve connected with lots of different people, sometimes I’ve had orgies and it’s been great, and other times I’ve been and me and my partner didn’t find anyone that we were into, so we just connected with each other and we still had a lot of fun.

You Don’t Have To Do Anything

And if you’re new or if you’re not feeling comfortable, it’s really important to know that you don’t actually have to do anything. You don’t have to take your clothes off at any point. You don’t have to have sex, even just with your partner, at any point. You can choose to just stay back and watch.

And many people will do this for their first time. They’ll go, they’ll have some drinks, they’ll meet people, they’ll chat, they’ll watch people having sex and they’ll get that experience, but they won’t actually do anything themselves. And then maybe they’ll come back again in future and feel a little more comfortable to explore a little more.

Exchanging Details

And often people will exchange details at the end of the night with people that they’ve played with or people that they’ve really connected with and want to stay in touch, and some really nice relationships can blossom out of this. This might be people that you play with outside of the swingers parties or it could just be people that you stay friends with and maybe you’ll see them at future parties.

I’ve met a lot of great friends at swingers parties, and sometimes exchanging those details, those people then know about other parties that are happening or private parties, and then you can get more involved in the scene and get invited to more things.

If you want to learn more about swingers clubs, all things sex and how you can be a better lover, head over to my website at passionately.com. Over there I’ve got a variety of different courses on how you can give more pleasure to your partner and how you can give her some of the best orgasms of her life. So if you want to up your sexual game, if you want to become the best lover you can possibly be, then head over to passionately.com and check out all the resources over there.