Going To Your First Swingers Party? Read This First

If you’re going to a swingers club for the first time, it can be extremely exciting but also extremely nerve-wracking. In this article, I want to provide you with some of the best tips if you’re going to a swingers club for the first time.

Some of this advice was given to me and I found it extremely helpful, and some of it I’ve learnt through trial and error, and I’ve made my fair share of mistakes as well.

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, sex coach and educator, and I’ve been in the swinging scene for around four to five years now. I’ve been to multiple different parties, multiple different venues with multiple different partners, and over the years I’ve learned a thing or two about what to do and what not to do.

1. Sit Down With Your Partner Before The Night

Talk about your desires and talk about your no-gos or things that you’re not comfortable doing.

Obviously, if you’re going swinging, you’re excited to at least see people having sex and you likely want to get involved as well. So before the party is a really good opportunity to say to your partner, “Hey, here’s the things that I’m excited about and what I would like to do. I’d love to learn about what you’re excited about and what you would like to do.”

And it also gives you an opportunity to say, “Hey, I’m not comfortable with this. Can we not do this this time around?”

Many people go to a swingers party for the first time and they’re just there to meet people and they’re just there to watch. So they have the rule that they’re not going to connect with anyone on the night, or maybe they’ll do what’s called a soft swap, where you’re able to hook up with other people and do oral sex and things like that, or something that’s really common is that you only want to do things as a couple.

So that might mean that you only want to have sex with another couple and you want to do it all together, or maybe you want to look for a single woman or a single male, or maybe you’re okay if you find different people to connect with, but it’s still happening in the same room or the same bed.

It’s also a really good idea to talk about things like protection. Most people in the swinging community will use protection when they’re connecting with people outside of their primary relationship. And if that’s what you want, then it can just be a good idea to state that rule with your partner, and honestly, any rules or concerns you might have, bring them all to the table before the night.

Yes, it’s likely that some things are going to come up on the night that you didn’t think of or didn’t get a chance to talk about, but really it’s just good to have this chat and to come together as a team, because remember, you’re going to this together. You’re not just going as individuals and you want to make sure that it’s a really good night for both of you.

2. Expect Emotions To Come Up

Have grace for each other and be there to support each other.

You’re going into a brand new situation that you’ve never been in before, or honestly, even if you’ve done it a couple of times with a partner, every night is different and different emotions can come up. And it’s highly likely that one of you is going to get a little bit upset or jealous at some point in the night, and just know that this is completely normal.

I’ve had nights that I’ve been to where my partner got really emotional and upset and I was there for her, and then there’s been nights as well where I got really emotional and upset and she was there to support me.

But because we knew this was going to happen, we were able to be there for each other, and honestly, even though one of you getting emotional isn’t necessarily the ideal situation, some of my best memories from certain nights are just the two of us cuddling on the couch, being really intimate with each other and supporting each other.

3. Buy A Ticket Beforehand

I had a friend who wanted to go to the swingers club. I told her all about it. She got all dressed up. She went as a single lady to the club.

She rocked up on Saturday night, tried to go in and they said, “I’m really sorry, but we’re full.” So she had gotten ready. She’d gotten dressed up, put all her lingerie and makeup on. She’d gotten up the nerve to go and then she wasn’t able to get in.

So it’s a great idea to either book a ticket beforehand or contact the club that you’re going to and ask them whether or not it’s likely to sell out.

If you’re going to the bigger events like Halloween and Christmas or New Year’s, those tend to sell out. Smaller events are less likely, but as I said, talk to the club and find out whether you need to buy a ticket beforehand.

4. Arrive Close To Opening Time

It’s much better to get there a bit too early and be sitting around idle while people arrive than it is to get there too late when everyone’s already in the playrooms having sex and you didn’t even get a chance to talk to anyone.

Here in Sydney, the clubs tend to open around eight or nine and I like to get there about half an hour after they open. And even by then, it’s honestly pretty busy.

If you arrive early, then you can get the staff to give you a tour of the venue and show you the ins and outs of where everything is. It gives you time to get a drink and to sit down with your partner and really get comfortable in the space.

If you get there early, you can also sit near the door or near the bar and you can watch people coming in, and you can talk to your partner and say, “Hey, I like them,” or “I like their energy. Let’s go and talk to them either now or at some point in the night.”

Generally speaking, if it’s your first time swinging, you don’t want to arrive late. This is because in the first couple of hours, that’s when everyone’s having a drink, having chats, playing pool, getting to know each other, having a dance. And then as the night progresses, everyone moves to the playrooms, everything gets a lot more intense.

And so if you’re rocking up late and it’s your first time and you’ve never been before, you’re going to miss all of those drinks and chats. You’ll turn up, everyone’s already having sex and it’ll be quite overwhelming for you. And it’ll limit your chances to meet people that you might connect with.

5. Bring A Shag Bag

Most swingers clubs are BYO alcohol. I think it’s something to do with they’re not able to have liquor licenses because of what happens on premises, but this means that you need to bring your own drinks.

So a bag is good for that, but it’s also a good idea to have the bag because you might have some extra components of lingerie for the woman. You might also want to bring a change of clothes for the end of the night.

So if you’re rocking up in a really little dress and a really skimpy outfit, but at the end of the night you want something more comfortable, you can bring a change of clothes. Many women like to bring a change of shoes as well. So they might have little heels for the beginning of the night, but then as the night goes on, they’ll move into flats.

And you can also pack protection and lube. Many swingers clubs will provide protection and also lubricant. However, it’s always a good idea to bring your own. And I personally have certain condoms that I prefer, and so I’m happy to bring them.

It’s also a good idea to pack toys as well. Many females like to bring vibrators. I had a partner who liked to bring one of those little bullet vibrators. And so we would keep that in our bag, and that way when we had it, she could use it on herself in order to orgasm. And I also often pack toys like whips and paddles and anything of that sort.

6. Look After Your Partner

This was a big piece of advice that was given to me and that I found extremely helpful.

Now, I know this sounds obvious, but what I mean by this is that when you go there, you are each other’s main priority. And I like to say to my partner beforehand, if at any point one of us wants to stop doing what we’re doing or one of us wants to leave, then we will leave together.

I just like to provide my partner with that reassurance that I’m going there to have a good time with her. And even if I’m in the middle of having sex with someone else and I’m really enjoying it, if she’s not feeling good, we can stop the sex or we can leave the venue completely and nobody’s going to be upset.

Once you’re more comfortable and you’re more established in the swinging scene, you might be able to alter this. But I found that really good for people that I’m taking for the first time, or honestly, just anytime we go.

7. Expect Nothing

I know what it feels like where you’re thinking, “I’m going to go to a swingers party. I really want to have sex with some other people and my partner is going to get to have sex as well and I’ll get to watch that. It’s really exciting.”

But these parties can be hit and miss. Sometimes you’ll go to these parties and there’s just no one that you’re really vibing with or no one that you’re really attracted to, or maybe one of you just isn’t feeling great emotionally, and so nothing happens.

So instead of going into it thinking, “Yes, I’m going to do all of these things,” and being disappointed if they don’t happen, I find it extremely useful to go in just thinking, “I’m going to have a fun night with my partner, whatever happens. We’re going to a party, we’ll have some drinks, we’ll meet some people, we’ll dance, we’ll see some sex, we’ll probably have sex with each other as well. And who knows, maybe we’ll meet some other couples that we’ll get to connect with, maybe we won’t.”

But the expectation that I have is I’m there to have a fun night with my partner and whatever happens happens.

Be open to things, yes, but expect nothing, because then if something good happens, you get this huge high, and if you don’t meet anyone that you want to have sex with, you can still have a great night with your partner.

8. Make An Effort To Talk To People

I’m a pretty introverted person and so when I go to these parties, I can want to stay in the corner a little bit. However, the best nights have always been when we’ve talked to people and made friends, and whether we had sex with them or not, you continue to see those people throughout the night and it makes it really fun.

A great tip that I have for this is to talk to people in the line when you’re waiting out the front or when you’re at the check-in desk. As soon as you get there, talk to the first person that you see. Say hello to them, spark up a conversation.

A really easy question to ask people is, “How long have you guys been in the swinging scene?” “Have you ever been swinging before?” “How long have you been together?” These are all really common questions that people ask and begin to break the ice, and you can find out more about people.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked to someone out the front when we’re in the line, and then later in the night, you bump into them again and you feel like you’ve already got a friend in the venue because they were the person that you met out the front.

Girls also love talking each other up at swingers clubs, saying how amazing they look or how good their lingerie set looks, and the toilet can be a great place for women to connect and to chat. And the same thing with guys as well, though to a lesser extent.

And I’ll also say, don’t just talk to people that you’re into sexually. You can have some really good conversations with people that you don’t necessarily want to have sex with. Just because you’re talking to someone doesn’t mean you want to sleep with them, and just because someone’s talking to you doesn’t mean they want to sleep with you.

Me and my partners have had some great conversations with people that we didn’t connect with or have any desire to connect with, but we found out different things about other parties that might be on, or sometimes they’ll introduce us to other people that we are more into. And so it’s still worth having those conversations.

9. Expect To Be Approached And Rejected

People might approach you that you’re not into, you have a conversation, they might be obviously interested in you and ask if you want to play, and then you need to kindly reject them. This isn’t really as difficult as it sounds and people are very understanding and respectful.

Don’t be rude to them when you reject them, but you can just say, “Look, we’re not sure yet,” or “I don’t really think so,” or “We’re just okay at the moment,” and people get the message pretty quickly. It’s all part of the night and then they’ll look for someone else.

And also expect to be rejected yourself. You and your partner might be into a couple, you might ask them, “Hey, do you guys want to play?” and then they might say no.

And I think it’s a good idea to not take this personally, because you don’t know what’s going on in their relationship, you don’t know how they’re feeling, you don’t know what conversations they’ve had beforehand, and sometimes it can be difficult to find another couple where all four of you are into each other enough to want to have sex.

Again, this comes back to not expecting anything. Just shoot your shot. If someone’s not interested, that’s fine. There’ll be lots of other people at the party that you might be able to connect with, or you’re just there to have a great time with your partner anyway.

10. Come Up With Code Signals

Now, when you’re at the swingers party and you’re in these conversations, it can be really difficult to actually talk to your partner and say, “Hey, are you into these people? Are you not into these people?” And so it can be a good idea to come up with some code phrases or some code signals ahead of time.

You want to do something that is obvious to you that’s not going to be obvious to other people.

Something that I commonly use with my partners is if they’re not into someone or they’re not enjoying the conversation that we’re in, I’ll get them to dig their nails into my hand or into my arm somewhere. And this is an obvious signal to me that we need to politely leave this conversation by going to the bathroom, going to the bar or whatever it may be.

And my partner can use the same signal when we’re connecting with other people as well. So if we’re having sex with other people and they dig their nails into me really hard, that means they need this to stop right now and they need my help in doing that.

So if that happens, and it has happened with partners, I’ll then stop doing whatever I’m doing and then I’ll check in with my partner and say, “Hey, do you need a break?” And she’s like, “Yep,” and I’ll just say to everyone, “Look, we need a little break,” and pretty much everyone is going to be okay with that.

You can also have signals for if they are into someone and they want it to progress and they want to play, so it could be some sort of tapping. They could do something like grab your genitals or squeeze your bum really hard just to let you know, “Yeah, hey, I’m into this,” and then you can progress to more things.

But it’s also totally okay in the moment if someone asks you, “Do you want to play?” to say, “We’re just going to go ahead and have a bit of a chat and we’ll let you guys know,” or “We’ll find you a bit later.”

11. Communicate The Rules Ahead Of Time

If you do find someone that you want to play with, ask them if they have any rules. Tell them if you have any rules. That way it’s less likely that your boundaries are going to be crossed and it’s less likely to get emotional or end up in an awkward situation.

12. Do Regular Check-Ins With Your Partner

Throughout the night, take some time away from other people. Ask them how they’re feeling, ask them what they think about the people that you’ve talked to, if there’s anyone that they’re interested in, or do you find anyone attractive that you want to talk to?

Because often if you find someone attractive, you’re too nervous to go and talk to them, but your partner can be more confident and can go up and can start the conversation for both of you.

13. Expect Some Performance Anxiety

And lastly, for the guys out there: it’s extremely common in the swinging scene for guys to struggle to get it up.

You might think that, “I’m going to be in this place with all this sex happening. I’ve got this opportunity to sleep with new people. I’m going to be so turned on and so hard.” But the reality of the situation is there’s a lot going on and it can be very nerve-wracking.

And you also tend to get straight into the sex, and the sex tends to be what I call bang-bang sex, which is just that kind of passionate fucking straight away, and there’s less of that time to emotionally connect with someone and ease into it. So expect it to be a little bit more difficult to get it up.

You may want to pursue things like Viagra and Cialis for the evening. Obviously, go ahead and talk to a doctor about those ones if you’re going to take anything. Or you may want to work on strengthening your erections ahead of time and strengthening your mentality, so when you’re in these situations, you can calm your mind and you’re able to get an erection.

If you want to learn the different things that you can do to get stronger, harder erections, both at swingers clubs but also in everyday life, then I do have a full course where I go in detail on all of the proven strategies to improve your erections.

I’ve personally suffered with erectile dysfunction, both at swingers clubs and in my everyday life, and in this course I jam-packed everything that I learned to get rock-hard erections and overcome my performance anxiety. If that’s something that you’re interested in, go to passionately.com/edcourse to check that out.

Otherwise, you can go ahead and watch this video that I’ve done explaining exactly what happens at swingers clubs, what the layout’s like, what the night is likely to look like. And so if you’re new to swinging, that’s a great video to watch.