How To Share Your Fantasies Without It Being Weird

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, sex coach and educator and I spent many years keeping my fantasies pushed down and hidden. I was the only one who knew about them and I didn’t share them with my partner at the time.

However, over the last four or five years, I’ve had multiple partners and with each of them, I’ve shared my fantasies and I’ve actually been able to do all of my fantasies. So, the bucket list for the weird kinky things that I want to do has gratefully been ticked off.

So, how exactly do you talk to your partner about your fantasies?

Suppressing Your Fantasies Isn’t Likely To Work

Well, the first thing to know is that suppressing your fantasies isn’t likely to work and it’s not likely to make your relationship stronger either. In fact, the opposite is true.

There was a study by Justin Lehmiller that showed that acting on your fantasies with your partner correlated with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction. But while 77.5% of people in this study said they wanted to act on their sexual fantasies in the future, only 21.8% of people had acted on their fantasies.

And of the people in this study who had never shared their fantasy with their partner, only 27.8% of people or about one in four people thought their partner would react positively if they shared their fantasy with them.

However, the study showed that of the people that had shared their fantasies with their partner, 71% of those people or almost three in four people received a positive response from their partner. 14% of those people received a neutral response, so neither good nor bad. And 15% said they received a negative response.

I throw these figures out there to say the chance that your partner is going to respond positively to this is very high. So, you don’t need to be afraid to share this with them.

Remove The Shame About Your Fantasies

Now, before you go and actually share your fantasies with your partner, there’s some inner work that you probably need to do. And that is removing the shame that you have about your fantasies.

I know all too well what this feels like. You have these desires in you of sexual things that you want to experience. They might be a little bit taboo or a bit out of the ordinary, or you know that most people won’t necessarily be into this.

And you feel really ashamed about these desires that you have. You didn’t choose to have these fantasies or these desires. They just kind of come upon you and you really respond to them.

But you’re scared to share it with anyone because you’re ashamed and you’re afraid to feel judged. And I completely get you.

So, the first thing you need to do is cast away all shame that you have about your fantasies. Begin to accept your fantasies as good and beautiful and expressions of your desire and who you are as a sexual person.

Obviously, here I’m talking about fantasies that are between two or more consenting adults. But do your best to look at your fantasies in a positive light because chances are there’s some people out there who are also into that fantasy. And that might be their favorite thing about you that you’re into that.

Remove Any Expectation

Before talking to your partner, you also want to remove any expectation that they’re going to be into your fantasy.

When you come to them with your fantasy and you’re sharing it with them, if you’re really hoping and praying that they’re just going to say back to you, “Yes, oh my God, I’ve been waiting for you to say that, I’m into it as well,” then you’re likely going to be very disappointed.

I think the best way to approach it is to not expect them to be into it at all. You’re sharing it with them because you want to share a part of who you are. You want to open up the possibility of it happening, but you’re not expecting that it’s going to be a hell yes from them, at least not straight away.

Plant A Seed

When I first talked to my partners about my fantasies, I consider it planting a seed.

Often we think that this is our one and only chance to share our fantasy with our partner, and they have to decide yes or no in that moment, whether or not they’re going to do that with us. But that just isn’t the case.

We all have unique fantasies, and whenever I’ve shared my fantasies with my partners, it hasn’t been a yes or a no in the beginning. Many of the more extreme fantasies that I’ve shared with my partners, it took months before we ever actually did any of that stuff together.

I planted the seed with the initial conversation, and then we had multiple conversations about it over time, and my partner started to get more comfortable with it, understood how aroused I got by it and how much pleasure they could give me, and then we were able to do it. And for them, it was a way that they could give me pleasure.

Be Open About Hearing Their Fantasies

And when you go into this conversation, be really open about hearing about their fantasies as well. Don’t expect their fantasies to be the same as yours, and don’t feel like you have to say yes or no to their fantasies in the beginning either.

Just let them share their fantasies with you. Say, “Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I think that’s really beautiful that you’re into that. I’m not sure how I feel about it at this time, but thank you so much for sharing that with me. And are there any other fantasies that you have as well, because I’d love to learn about them?”

If you go into this conversation interested in them and interested in their fantasies, they’re more likely to also be interested in your fantasies and be more willing to listen.

How Exactly Do You Tell Your Partner?

How do you say the words and orchestrate this conversation? Well, I advise that you probably don’t do it during sex.

This conversation is usually better had outside of sex, so you can do it over dinner, you can do it while you’re driving and you’re a little bit distracted anyway, or you can do it when you’re having your post-sex cuddles.

Let’s say you’ve connected with your partner, you’ve had some incredible sex, you’re lying down afterwards, you’re both a bit tired and satisfied. You can then have conversations about the sex that you just had, and you can then ask them, “Hey, do you have any fantasies?”

Or you can let them know, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about this fantasy and I’d really like to share it with you.” You can even preface it by saying, “We don’t have to do this, but I just wanted to share with you something that I find really arousing.”

That way when you do go to tell them, they’re not feeling like they have to be into it or say yes or no to it. They know that you’re just sharing it with them. And again, it’s this planting of the seed.

Explain The Motivation Behind Your Fantasies

When you explain your fantasy to them, I found it really helpful to also explain the motivation behind the fantasies that I have.

If I say that I’m into a certain thing, I also explain the headspace behind it, what it sort of does to me, how it makes me aroused, why I really like it, to give them a bit of context.

Because sometimes the fantasies can be kinky or a bit intense, and they might have no idea why you’re into that, and they might jump to conclusions. So I find it better to then explain internally what I’m feeling and thinking about this fantasy.

And that way I found it can turn the fantasy from being more kinky and fetish-focused to being more intimacy-focused.

Share It With Pride

I will also say, don’t expect them to understand your fantasy even when you fully explain it, and don’t expect them to be supportive either.

You’re sharing this because you’re not ashamed of it, remember, and you just want to share a part of who you are, and you’re proud of who you are.

And if you’re sharing it with this pride, I find people are way less likely to talk it down than if you’re sharing it and you’re not really sure about yourself and you’re like, “Oh, I kind of got this fantasy,” then they can go, “Oh, that’s gross.”

But if you’re like, “No, I’m proud of this, I’ve got this fantasy,” people often don’t feel like they can say, “Oh, that’s weird,” or “I’m not into that,” when you’ve already stated, or the way you’re expressing with your words is, that you’re proud of this, and this is part of who you are.

Ask Them How They Feel About It

After you’ve shared your fantasies with them, you can then ask them, what do they think about it? Or how do they feel about it?

And again, a great opportunity to ask them, “What sort of fantasies do you have?”

And you might share multiple fantasies with them, they might share multiple fantasies with you. And you might not both be into all of the same things, but you might find one fantasy that you both have that lines up, and maybe you can explore that together.

Start With Dirty Talk

And a really great way to explore fantasies without actually exploring them is to start with dirty talk.

So maybe the next time you’re having sex, you can let your partner know, “I would love to dirty talk about this fantasy. If you could tell me a story about this fantasy while you’re having sex with me, that would be really sexy.”

I’ve found many times when partners have shared their fantasies with me, we’ll be having sex and I’ll create this story and dialogue that I’m whispering into their ear while we’re having sex. And then arousal just gets heightened and heightened. And some of the orgasms can be incredible.

If you want to learn more about exactly how to dirty talk, then I do have a free dirty talk cheat sheet where I talk through exactly what to do. And I’ve even got phrases in there that you can steal and use with your partner. Go to passionately.com/dirtytalk to check that out.

Alternatively, if you want to learn more about dirty talk, then go ahead and check out my dirty talk playlist where I share many of my best tips on how you can be a great dirty talker in the bedroom.