8 Ways To Stop Having Boring & Predictable Sex (Make Sex More Exciting)

For many people, the longer they’ve been having sex with a partner, the more likely that sex is to get boring, get stale, and become something that you’re not really excited to do anymore. And maybe you feel like you just need to do it to appease your partner or just to get each other off.

But it’s not that deep connection. It’s not that intense sex that you used to have.

So what can you do to make your sex less boring and bring more excitement back into your relationship?

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, sex coach and educator, and I am passionate about helping you give more pleasure to your partner and improve your sex life.

1. Learn New Ways To Pleasure Your Partner

This is true no matter your gender or the gender of your partners.

For those giving pleasure to people with penises, learning how to give better blowjobs is a great thing that you can do, or exploring anal play with that person can also bring a lot of pleasure.

And if you’re giving pleasure to someone with a vulva, then learning different fingering techniques and how to finger them better can be a really good thing to do. And learning some oral sex techniques as well and how to give them more pleasure with your mouth.

I’ve got a lot of articles on this site about all of that sort of stuff. But one of my best videos is my oral orgasm tutorial, where I teach you the exact techniques of what to do with your fingers and with your mouth to give your partner some of the best orgasms of their life.

To get access to that free tutorial, go to passionately.com/oral.

You’ll also get access to my free newsletter, where I share lots of different tips on how to give great pleasure to your partner. And many of those tips I don’t share on YouTube.

And for both of you to give more pleasure to each other, it can be really helpful to learn new sex positions that feel good and look good for both of you, or how to improve on your current sex positions to make them feel more pleasurable to each other.

For guys, generally, we prefer the in out sort of motion. So any position where we can go in and out is going to feel great for most guys, whereas women tend to prefer a grinding motion where the guy might go in, maybe there’s a little bit of in and out, but there’s a lot of up and down grinding so that the clitoris rubs against your pubic bone.

Interestingly, a sex position doesn’t have to feel great for both of you. And in most cases, the position that feels best for her isn’t going to feel best for you.

But this is completely fine; you can mix things up. Sometimes you’re giving her more pleasure, and you’re in a position where she’s really loving it.

And other times you’re focusing on you receiving more pleasure, and you’re in a position that you prefer, or even there’s some positions that don’t really feel that amazing for either of you, but they’re fun and unique positions, or they look really sexy. And that can add a new dimension to your sex life.

You’re not going to spend the whole time in these positions, but they can just be fun to add into it.

A mistake that many of us make in relationships is that we do the exact same sex positions in the exact same order. And this makes sex predictable, which can make sex boring.

By mixing up the positions and by not knowing which position is going to come next, then it makes sex more diverse and more interesting.

2. Stop Thinking About Sex Like A Linear Process

So many people get into rhythms with their sex where they’ll start kissing and maybe touching a little bit of foreplay, which might lead into oral sex, or in many cases, you skip the oral sex completely, and then you go straight to intercourse, which leads to orgasm.

So there’s this linear process of your sex that leads to orgasm. However, the same techniques in the same order every single time makes things boring and predictable.

So mix things up. Think of all of it as sex. Stop thinking of sex as only penis goes in vagina. Sex is so much more than that.

And everything from the kissing and the making out and the touching to the oral sex to the actual penetration can all be thought of as sex and can be done in different orders to mix things up.

You’re likely still going to want to start with things that are more sensual to warm each other up, but rather than always progressing to penetration and then orgasm, mix things up from time to time.

So you can be having penetrative sex with your partner, you can then come out and you can begin to go down on your partner or finger your partner and mix things up in that way. Or you can pull out and get them to go down on you, which can be really sexy.

Something that I really like to do, when I’m having sex with someone and we’ve built up through penetration and I’m going really hard, really fast, and then my body starts to fail me because I’m tired, is I’ll then pull out and I’ll use my fingers to stimulate them to keep the rhythm going so that it’s still intense, but it gives my body a break and it gives them a new sensation.

I might also go down on them at the same time. Or maybe instead of keeping it really heightened, I’ll come out and then I’ll begin to slowly finger them or slowly go down on them and then I’ll work up the oral sex, get it more intense and then come back inside them.

The goal here is to make sex more adventurous and more unpredictable.

So rather than your partner knowing that after you do this, then you’re going to do this, then that, they actually don’t know what’s going to happen next and you get to just flow together and explore that together.

3. Mix Up Your Positions Often

Generally speaking, the best sex that I have is sex where we are diverse and we do lots of different positions.

Yes, you’re going to touch on your standard positions like missionary and cowgirl and doggy style position, but some of the most exciting sex is when we try different positions, putting a leg over there that we didn’t usually or having sex on the floor or sitting up together and having sex in the lotus position or honestly just trying whatever comes to mind.

If you need to, grab yourself a book of Kamasutra or something like that to learn different positions.

And the way that I like to do it is I’m not going into the sex saying to my partner, “Let’s try this position,” but I might have positions in my mind that I want to try, and during one of our next sexual sessions over the next week or couple of weeks, I’ll try to flow things into that position and try it and see if it’s any good.

Sometimes the positions don’t work out and they’re not that good, but it’s still really fun to try new things together.

And it also gives you something to talk about after sex because you can say, “Oh, what did you think of that position?” Or if it wasn’t very good, you can say, “Oh, that position didn’t really work, did it?”

And if it was good, you can be like, “Wow, that position was really good and I felt really connected with you.”

4. Stop Making Orgasm The Goal

So many people have sex in order for themselves to have an orgasm and ideally for their partner to have an orgasm as well. But the goal is we’ll have sex until we both orgasm and then we stop because the purpose of sex is done.

However, I encourage you to stop thinking about orgasm as the purpose of sex and start thinking about connection as the purpose of sex.

And it doesn’t even matter if either of you orgasm at all, because this is just an opportunity for you to connect with each other and to give pleasure to each other as well.

Sometimes I absolutely love giving calm and sensual pleasure to my partner, not the type of pleasure that’s going to bring her to orgasm, but it’s just going to make her feel good and really connected.

And I also like to think of sex a lot like a conversation with someone. Sometimes you have deep and passionate conversations with someone. Sometimes you have really playful conversations, sometimes you have mundane conversations, but all of these conversations are helping you connect with your partner.

And with each of your conversations, the goal is not to reach this heightened level of conversation where everything’s amazing and then it stops. No, conversations just flow naturally.

And I find sex is more exciting when the sex just flows naturally in different ways.

Sometimes, yes, we’re going to orgasm and have amazing orgasms and that’s great, but that’s not the goal of the sex. If that happens, it’s great, but we’re just there to connect with each other.

And if we orgasm, we orgasm. But if we don’t, we still got to play with each other or be deep and sensual with each other.

5. Stop Defining Sex As Penetration

I talked a little bit about this already, but what I mean by this is don’t go into your sexual interactions thinking the penis has to go in the vagina. That doesn’t have to happen in a sexual interaction.

And sometimes when that doesn’t happen, that sexual experience together is more vibrant and more exciting than if you were to actually have penetration.

And also the fact that penetration doesn’t always happen means that you’ve got that more adventurous sex where you don’t know what’s going to happen.

So rather than just focusing on penetration alone, sometimes take time just to give each other oral sex or to play with each other’s bodies.

Or maybe you give your partner a massage and then go down on them, bring them to orgasm and then that’s it. You don’t need to worry about your pleasure that time because you’ll get taken care of another time.

And maybe another time they just want to go down on you and give you pleasure. Maybe you want to do some mutual masturbation where you can masturbate next to each other or play with toys with each other and have a lot of fun in that way.

When we stop defining sex as penetration, we open up the door to all of these new experiences with our partner.

And another benefit of some of these new experiences is that sometimes you can do these things with less effort than penetration.

So maybe your partner is tired but they’re a little bit horny and they’d love to masturbate and use their toy if they’ve got a Hitachi Wand or something like that, but they don’t really want to have penetrative sex. Well, you can still have a sexual connection and have a great time together without them feeling like they need to have penetration.

This also means you’re more likely to get more sexual interactions with each other over a week or over a month than you would otherwise.

6. Talk To Each Other About Your Sex Life

It’s crazy that most of us don’t actually talk about sex with our partner, and we’re the ones having sex with our partner, but we’re afraid to talk about it.

However, try to open up the lines of communication with your partner and find out what parts of the sex that you’re having together they like and what parts they maybe don’t like.

And you really need to prepare your ego and your emotions for this conversation because it’s really, really fucking difficult when your partner tells you things that you do that they don’t like that you’ve been doing for quite a long period of time.

Trust me, I’ve been in this situation, but it’s always better to know and to learn from these things and go into these conversations with an open mind to say, “Okay, I’m sorry that I was doing that. I didn’t know. I’d really love to learn what you like and what brings you pleasure.”

You can also talk to them about things that they might like to explore with you. Maybe there’s things that they want to try that they’ve never really opened up about.

And by creating this safe space where you can talk about it and explore fantasies, they can share with you some things they’d really like to do. And maybe that lines up with things you really want to do and you get to explore that, or maybe it doesn’t and that’s okay as well.

You’re not going to line up on everything, but give space for your partner.

If they share something that you’re not into, that’s fine. Don’t shame them for having those desires. Let them know that it’s really beautiful that they have that desire, it’s not really something you’re into or feel comfortable with, but you appreciate them sharing that with you.

And also share your desires with your partner as well. Don’t go into the conversation with any shame yourself. Be confident that you want to connect with your partner.

Just like having a conversation, it’s like, “Hey, I’d really like to have a conversation about space because I’m really into space.” And your partner’s like, “Look, I’m not really that into space, sorry. I don’t really want to talk about space very much.”

But that’s cool. I still fucking love space, but we’re both into something else, let’s go ahead and talk about that. So take the same sort of approach with your sex.

7. Explore New Things Together

So maybe you’re not both into space, but find things that you are both into that you maybe haven’t tried before or that you’re open to exploring.

This could be as simple as exploring new techniques and things that you learn on this site or things that you’ve learnt from the courses that I have over at passionately.com.

Or maybe you want to explore more kinky things like ropes or impact play or some dom/sub role play.

Find things that you can both explore together, find out if you like them, and who knows, maybe it will become a regular part of your sex together.

8. Bring Some Toys Into The Bedroom

So many partners are having sex without toys, but they’re using toys separately. The guy might be using a Fleshlight, the woman might be using her Hitachi Wand or a vibrator, but they’re not bringing those things together and playing with them when they’re together.

However, you can give your partner some incredible pleasure and incredible orgasms with the toys and it can really help in your sex life.

You can use toys while you’re penetrating and having sex with your partner. They can use toys while you go down on them. You can use the toys on them, which can be really fun and exciting.

Many guys shy away from toys because they feel like, “You should be able to get off just on my penis alone.” But no, we are in this together. We just want to give each other pleasure.

And if we can use toys that are going to be able to vibrate and have so much more consistency than you can, if those toys can help your partner have an incredible orgasm, all the more for it.

After they’ve had their fifth orgasm and they’re lying back there in bliss, they’re not going to be thinking to themselves, “Oh, I wish that only happened with his penis.” They’re going to be thinking, “Oh my gosh, that was such an amazing experience with my partner.”

And sometimes toys can even help your partner to squirt if you’re also using the right technique.

So go ahead and read this article on the exact squirting technique you can use with your partner, or go ahead and get access to my oral orgasm tutorial so you can learn how to give them some of the best orgasms of their life.