Great Sex Without an Erection: How ED Made Our Sex Better

If you or your partner suffers with erectile dysfunction, then often it can lead to a decline in the quality of your sex life, for obvious reasons. However, this doesn’t have to be the case.

Erectile dysfunction can actually be a great opportunity for you to revitalize your sex life, reinvent your sex life, and actually have some of the best sex you’ve ever had with your partner. But how do you go about doing that?

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, sex coach and educator, and I personally suffered with erectile dysfunction myself, so I know how difficult it can be. But there are ways forward, and there are ways to create the best sex you’ve ever had together.

1. Get Rid Of Any Shame

If you’re the person suffering with erectile dysfunction yourself, you need to get rid of any shame that you may have about the issue.

Erectile dysfunction is extremely common. In fact, whatever decade of life you’re in, that’s approximately the percentage of guys that are suffering with erectile dysfunction. So if you’re in your 20s, it’s 20%; 30s, 30%; 40s, 40%; 50s, 50%; in your 70s, 70%, and so on. It’s an extremely common problem that happens to a lot of men.

As guys, often we put a lot of our identity and a lot of our manhood in our ability to get an erection, so it can be really difficult if we suffer with erectile dysfunction. But I want to encourage you not to be ashamed that this is happening.

This is not the end of the world. It’s not the end of your sex life. You can still experience great sex even if you’re unable to get it up, or if you struggle sometimes.

And if you’re the one who has a partner that suffers with erectile dysfunction, it’s important that you don’t take any shame on yourself either. It is not your fault that this is happening.

It could be a physical issue with your partner, it could be a mental issue with them, but it’s not that they’re not into you anymore. It’s not that sex with you doesn’t feel amazing. Chances are your partner wishes they could get it up and be as hard as a rock, but they can’t, and this is generally no reflection on you.

And so it’s not going to be helpful for either of you if you accept shame onto yourself, and it’s definitely not helpful if you blame the other person, because really, at the end of the day, this is nobody’s fault, and you can work together to create an amazing sex life even with erectile dysfunction.

So cast shame away. It has no place here. It has no place in the bedroom or in your life.

2. Take Time To Talk To Your Partner

Probably not a good idea to do it during sex or when you’re running out the door, but take some time to sit down together, or maybe go for a walk, to talk about this issue. It can be quite difficult to bring up, but if you’ve got a good partner, they should be open to talking to you about it.

If you’re the one suffering with erectile dysfunction, then you can bring it up and say, “Hey babe, I know that recently I’ve been struggling to get it up,” or “it’s taking me longer,” or “I’ve lost my erection. I’d really love to talk to you about this and what we can do to improve our sex life.”

Or if you’re the partner of someone suffering with erectile dysfunction, that can also be difficult to bring up, but you can say to them, “Hey, I noticed this has been happening. I’d really love to chat about it and chat about ways that we can still have great sex even if you’re unable to get it up.” Or if you don’t want to say that, you could say, “Hey, I recently read this article on erectile dysfunction and I’d love to talk about it.”

I think when talking to your partner, you want to come at this with a lot of grace and respect. It can be a very emotional topic to talk about for both of you, so take your time with it.

And I’ll give you a bunch of talking points in this article, as well as things that you can potentially do to improve the situation and improve your sex life.

3. Look At Improving Lifestyle Factors

A big cause of erectile dysfunction is comorbidities, or other issues with the body.

Poor cardiovascular health is a major cause of erectile dysfunction, and if overall your lifestyle together hasn’t been great and your health isn’t as amazing as you’d like it to be, this can actually be an opportunity for you to improve your lifestyle and change some of your lifestyle factors.

Either you can do it yourself, if you’re someone suffering with erectile dysfunction, and this can change your health and your life, or it could be something that you do as a couple together.

Instead of going to eat out and eating unhealthy food, maybe you can begin to go for walks together, or hikes, or go to the gym. You can look at ways to eat healthier together and to improve both of your cardiovascular health, and this can have a dramatic impact on erections.

There’s lots of other things you can do to naturally help with erections as well, everything from pelvic floor exercises, to supplements that you take, to types of foods that you can eat, as well as mental exercises if performance anxiety is the cause of the erectile dysfunction.

I’ve got a full course that goes through all the different things guys can do to help get better erections, and for me personally, this has helped me not only to regain my morning wood, which I had lost, but it’s also helped me get harder erections than I’ve had in years.

And it’s helped me in those situations where I used to struggle to get erections because I had performance anxiety, like having sex with new partners.

Honestly, I think this is the most detailed course out there on erectile dysfunction, and if you or your partner are suffering with erectile dysfunction and want more detailed help, I suggest checking that out. Go to passionately.com/edcourse, and you can learn more about that course and sign up over there.

That course is extremely detailed, and it’s everything that I’ve learned over the last few years to improve my erections, and I’m so excited to share this with you. I know it’s going to help a lot of you get firmer, harder erections and improve your sex life dramatically.

4. Explore The Different Treatment Options

Do it in a sexy and exciting way.

Often as guys, we’re so ashamed of our erectile dysfunction that we don’t even want to talk to our doctor about it, but honestly, doctors are so used to talking to people about this, and they can help you.

You can even go to a specialist and get a Doppler ultrasound to look at the blood flowing into and out of your penis, and find out whether or not there’s actually some physiological issues, or whether it’s all just up in your mind.

But if we cast away the shame and approach these treatment options with excitement, this is actually an opportunity to revitalize our sex life. And we can even explore this together with our partner, and they can get excited for the opportunity that these drugs might work and that they might help you.

And then if you do get the drugs, we have a tendency to want to take them in secret and be ashamed about it, but I encourage you to not do that, but rather express to your partner you’re going to take this because you’re so excited to connect with them and to have a great night with them.

I don’t regularly need to take Viagra or Cialis anymore, but if I do, or when I want to in order to have a more vigorous session with my partner, it’s something exciting that we get to experience together.

5. Redefine The Meaning Of Sex

And while looking at ways to improve your erections through lifestyle factors and treatment options is important, at the end of the day, having a firm, hard erection isn’t necessarily needed for you to connect with your partner sexually and have some incredible and amazing sex.

As guys, often we get so tunnel-visioned and narrow-minded, and we think of sex just as penis enters vagina, but sex can be so much more than that, and you have such an opportunity to give amazing pleasure to each other even if penetration doesn’t happen.

In fact, even when I do get hard, the majority of the orgasms that I give my partners are with either my fingers or with my mouth, not with my penis and through penetration.

By redefining sex, you take the pressure off an erection needing to happen in order for you to connect sexually.

6. Take The Pressure Off Needing To Orgasm

You can have great sexual sessions with your partner without one of you, or both of you, needing to orgasm.

Take the time to explore each other’s bodies in new and unique ways. Find time to learn different techniques about how to give pleasure to your partner. I’ve got loads of articles on my blog and videos on my YouTube channel talking exactly about that, or you can go to passionately.com and check out my courses as well if you want something more in depth.

But if you can learn how to give your partner incredible orgasms with your hands and with your mouth, then there’s way less pressure on you in order to get an erection, and honestly, it just opens up a diversity of opportunities for ways that you can experience sex together.

Take the time to explore each other’s bodies and each other’s pleasure to find out what you like.

7. Have Fun With A Soft Penis

If your partner has erectile dysfunction, then one of the worst things that you can do is to just avoid touching the penis altogether.

I’ve been in situations where I’ve struggled to get it up, but my partner’s been touching me and it’s felt really good. But maybe because they’re so used to the feedback of “if he’s aroused, he’s going to get hard, and he’s not getting hard, so he mustn’t like what I’m doing,” many women will stop touching your penis altogether, even though it feels amazing.

And this is why communication is so key. You can talk to each other outside the bedroom about how you want to explore each other’s bodies and try different things, and how you want to explore soft penis play and what might feel good for you.

And then in the moment, communicate with your partner as well. If you’re the one suffering with erectile dysfunction and they’re touching you, because they’re not getting the feedback of your penis getting hard to know what feels good and what you like, you need to be more communicative with them.

Let them know what feels good. Let them know if you really like something. Even communicate to them, “I know I’m not getting hard right now, but that feels really good, and I love it when you do that.”

By giving them this feedback, they then know that you like what they’re doing, they’re doing a good job, and they’re more likely to continue doing it.

And as the giver to someone with a soft penis, try to explore different things that you like. It can be really fun to play with a soft penis in different ways, and it feels very different to a hard penis, so explore the things that you like to give to them and they like to receive as well.

And interestingly, it is actually still possible to orgasm even if your penis doesn’t get hard. So while orgasm shouldn’t necessarily be the goal of your sexual session, it is definitely possible, especially if you explore something like prostate play. Many guys can orgasm from this without ever getting an erection in the first place.

8. Explore What Helps Him Get Hard

And while I don’t think that getting an erection should be the sole focus of a sexual session, I do think it can be really helpful for couples to explore different ways that he’s more likely to get an erection.

Maybe in the past the wind would blow and he would get an erection. When we’re younger, often that happens, and we’re just rock hard straight away. But maybe he needs a lot more now in order to get an erection than he did in the past.

Try different things. Maybe something like lingerie could help, or different touch techniques, or oral techniques, or maybe there’s certain desires that he has, or things that he really likes, that really arouse him and help him.

And by exploring these things together, as well as removing the pressure that he has to get an erection, it can actually increase the chances of him getting an erection.

9. When The Erection Doesn’t Happen

Maybe you can have a phrase in the bedroom where he can say, “Look, it’s just not working at the moment,” and then you move into something else.

So rather than “you’re trying to get an erection, it’s not happening, so you just stop, and that’s it,” understand that erections aren’t always going to happen, but what can we do when it doesn’t happen?

So let’s say we’re with our partner, we’re trying to make an erection happen, and it’s just not happening. We could say a phrase like, “He’s just not coming to the party,” which can let our partner know that an erection is unlikely to happen tonight.

However, if you know ahead of time what you can do instead, then the sex doesn’t have to stop. You can be like, “Okay, the erection isn’t happening, we can move into some soft penis play,” or “The erection isn’t happening, so now let me pleasure you and finger you and give you oral sex,” or “Let’s move into sensual massage,” or do different things that we each like. Maybe we want to get some toys out and play with some toys.

Learn different things that you can do when the erection doesn’t happen so that you can flow into that, rather than the sex just stopping, which can be embarrassing and emotional for both of you.

10. Talk About Desires You Both May Have

Often in relationships, we get very routine in the sex that we have. We know what feels good for each of us, and we almost go through the motions in terms of the sex that we have.

And because erectile dysfunction can put a stopper to that, this can actually be a great opportunity to open up dialogue about other desires that you may have.

Maybe both of you used to get aroused really quickly just with your routine sex, but maybe now you want something a little bit more, or there’s kinks that you’ve really wanted to try but have been too afraid to ask for.

Maybe you want to try something like ropes and bondage, or impact play and things like whips and paddles, and explore pain as pleasure. Maybe you want to explore things like swingers parties and opening up your relationship. Or maybe there’s just some more vanilla things that you’d really like to try in the bedroom.

Open up and chat to your partner about different desires that each of you have.

And I personally think it’s really important that in these conversations, you don’t shame your partner for any desires that they may have. Those desires might not line up with your desires, and that’s fine. Desires can also bring up a lot of emotions in you; that’s fine.

But you don’t need to shame them or get angry at them for having certain fantasies that you may not be into. You could say something like, “Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I’m not personally into that, and I don’t think I want to do that. However, I’d love to explore other things that we could potentially do that we’re both really into.”

Or if it brings up lots of emotions for you: “Thank you so much for sharing that with me. That’s currently bringing up a lot of emotions in me. I might need some time to process that. Can we just put that on hold and maybe talk about it a little bit later?”

Give each other mutual respect and love, because it can be extremely vulnerable to share your kinks or your desires or your fantasies with your partner.

But throughout this sharing, you can learn more about your partner, they can learn more about you, which can bring you closer together, and you may be able to find some things that you’re both into that you haven’t tried and you’d like to explore more, and that can really open up your sex life as well.

And remember, we’ve redefined sex, so it doesn’t have to be penis goes in vagina. Sex doesn’t have to lead to orgasm either. There’s so many different experiences that we can have.

In fact, some of the best sexual experiences that I’ve had have not involved penis-vagina penetration, even if I was able to get it up. And some of the best memories that I’ve had, I wasn’t even being touched at all. I was just pleasuring my partner, and that was amazing. Or on the flip side, maybe they were just pleasuring me, and that was an amazing session.

There’s so many different things that you can do, and erectile dysfunction doesn’t have to be the end of your sex life. It can be the beginning again.

If you or your partner are suffering with erectile dysfunction and you want help on ways to improve erections, then my course goes through everything from lifestyle factors and different exercises that you can do to naturally improve your erections, as well as looking at the mental aspects of performance anxiety and how to overcome those mental hurdles.

And also, there’s more advice on how you can connect together if you are suffering with erectile dysfunction: how can you increase the chances of getting an erection by working together with your partner, as well as how can you have more fun and exciting sex together if you’re unable to get it up. If that content sounds interesting to you, go to passionately.com/edcourse.

I wish you the absolute best in your sex life. Don’t let erectile dysfunction be the end of your sex life. Let it be a new beginning to something really exciting for both of you.