He Can’t Get Hard? Do This and He’ll Thank You

What do you do when you’re in bed with a guy and he just can’t get hard and he’s suffering with performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction?

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, coach and educator, and I’ve personally suffered with erectile dysfunction, and I specialize in helping guys overcome their ED and also helping couples connect even if their partner has erectile dysfunction.

And I’ve personally been in this situation before, so I know what’s good to do and I also know what not to do.

1. Understand That Erectile Dysfunction Is Extremely Common

Whatever decade of life a guy is in, that’s roughly the percentage of men that suffer with erectile dysfunction. So, 30% in their 30s, 40% in their 40s, 50% in their 50s and so on.

2. It’s Not An Indicator Of Their Interest

Also, if this happens, remember that it’s not necessarily an indicator of their arousal or of their interest in you.

One of the big mistakes that many partners make is when their partner can’t get it up, they automatically think there’s something wrong with them or there’s something wrong with their partner’s attraction to them and they’re not attracted to them. But this is almost always so far from the case.

Erectile dysfunction is usually either caused by physical issues, so it could be health related, or it could be mental issues where they get stressed and anxious.

And I can tell you from first-hand experience, when I’ve been with a beautiful woman who I’m really excited to have sex with and I have erectile dysfunction, it’s not because I’m not attracted to her.

In fact, when that happens, I get really stressed and anxious in my mind and I get really focused on my penis and I’m like, “Come on buddy, get it up, we want to have sex with this woman in front of us.”

But the more stress that we get as guys, the less likely we are to get erect because when we’re stressed, it releases adrenaline into our bloodstream, which actually constricts the blood vessels in our penis.

So if your partner is suffering with erectile dysfunction, they’re likely going through a fair amount of stress, they’re worried about disappointing you. And the best thing that you can do through this whole situation is to help to calm them down and help to make it less of an issue in their mind.

3. Talk To Your Partner

Don’t say “What’s wrong?” or “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why aren’t you into me?” Don’t play the blame game, but rather let them know that if they can’t get hard, that’s not the end of the world, that you’re just there to connect with them in whatever way that works.

And if they’re able to get erect, great. But if they’re not able to get erect, then there’s lots of other things that you can do.

4. Reassure Him There’s No Rush

Reassure your man that there’s no rush for him to get erect straight away, because often when this happens, we think, “Okay, I really need to get an erection in the next 30 seconds to a minute because she’s expecting me to.”

Let him know that there’s no rush. You’re going to take your time together and let the erection just come naturally.

In fact, if he’s had this stress response and adrenaline has been released into his bloodstream, it can take anywhere from 20 to 60 minutes for that adrenaline to clear out. And this means it’s going to be harder for him to get an erection in the next 20 minutes or so.

So let him know that there’s no rush and present something else that you guys can do together to stay connected, but something where he doesn’t need to get a raging boner in the immediate future.

5. Don’t Stop Touching Him

If he’s struggling to get it up, don’t stop touching him. I would say this is one of the worst things that’s happened to me and has not led to me getting an erection easily with the person that I’m with.

Sometimes when you’re not getting it up as a guy, your partner’s touching you, they realize that you’re not getting hard and then they just stop touching you altogether. Not only do they stop touching your penis, but often they just stop touching you completely as well because they think that you’re not interested.

This is why telling them there’s no rush can be really good, because that opens up different forms of touch that you can do with each other.

And if you continue to touch him, that can help to calm him down and relax him. It can honestly feel really good. In fact, when you’re touching his penis when it’s soft, it can still be incredibly sensitive and still feel really nice even if he’s not getting an erection.

And by continuing to touch him, you’re continuing the intimacy, you’re helping him relax, which means the erection is more likely to come on naturally eventually.

It can also be really fun to touch and play with a soft penis and there’s lots of things that you can do with that. I’ve created a full video on how to do soft penis play, so check that out if you’re interested.

And if this is something that is regularly happening with your man, then there’s actually a lot of different things that he can do to boost his erection and actually get harder erections than he’s had in years.

I’ve created a free ED toolkit where I share the best things to help regain strong erections. And you can get that for free by going to passionately.com/ed.

Over there, you’ll also get access to my free newsletter where I share loads of tips on how you can have a better sex life, and many of those tips I don’t share on YouTube.

6. Do Some Erotic Massage

Moving away from him needing to get an erection straight away, you can get out the massage oil. I like to use coconut oil, and you can give him a massage or you can allow him to give you a massage.

You can even put on some calming music or any sort of music really, which can help to distract his mind. And by giving him a massage, that can really help to relax him.

And then you can turn that massage into an erotic massage where you’re playing with his bum, and then you can turn him around and play with his penis with the massage oils, which can feel really good.

And in many of these circumstances, you’ll notice that because the pressure is off, because he’s relaxed, the erection is going to come on.

Or vice versa, he can give you an erotic massage. This is something that I love to do with my partners when I’m struggling to get it up because I love touching their body. I love taking the time to really enjoy them.

And honestly, because they’re face down on the bed, I’m not feeling the pressure of them looking at my penis and seeing that it’s not erect. So it takes some of that psychological pressure off.

Then I can work my way down on my partner, really enjoy their bum and their vulva, which really turns me on. And also while I’m giving them a massage, I can actually touch myself, which can help me to get erect.

So erotic massage keeps the intimacy going. It calms everything down and allows him to get aroused and get erect slowly.

7. Give Him A Blowjob

For many guys who suffer with performance anxiety, they’ve got no problems getting an erection when their partner’s giving them a blowjob. But when it comes time to put the condom on or to have intercourse and the pressure’s on them, that’s when they lose their erection.

But if you’re going to give him a blowjob, don’t go down there giving him a blowjob with a clear intention that you’re trying to make him hard. This is just going to make him more stressed.

And I’ve had these situations where a girl goes down on you and she just wants to make you hard. I’ve also seen this situation many times at swingers clubs as well.

And you can feel it as a man when she’s down there and she’s waiting for you to get hard. And then you’re stressing about not getting hard fast enough. She’s wondering why you’re not getting hard. And it’s just a mess.

However, if she goes down there because she wants to and she really enjoys it and she shows that with her moaning or her techniques and her speed and the way that she’s just playing with it and having fun, or maybe she shows it with eye contact, that allows me to relax into it because I know she’s having a good time.

So again, there’s no rush for me to get an erection straight away. I can let it come on naturally over time.

8. Switch To Mutual Masturbation

Rather than touching each other, you can lie next to each other and you can each touch yourselves. He likely knows how to touch himself in a way that he really likes.

And if you get involved with that by kissing him at the same time, by touching his body or maybe caressing his balls in a way that he likes, you can even touch his perineum or his bum, whatever he’s into while he’s touching himself, that can help him to get an erection.

And if you’re touching yourself and getting aroused and you’re having fun, that’s taking the pressure off him needing to get an erection straight away.

And something that’s worked really good for me with mutual masturbation is I’ll be lying next to my partner, we’ll both be playing with ourselves. And then what I can do is actually move in between her legs.

And that way I get to watch her touching herself and playing with herself, which is really sexy. And that can turn me on and help me get erect. And also it puts me in the exact right position that when I am erect, I can actually go inside my partner.

So start with some mutual masturbation and maybe move yourself into that position or get your partner to move into that position. Let them enjoy you and enjoy watching you.

And you can even allow him to rub his penis up against your vulva, which can feel really good for both of you. It can be really intimate and it can help him to get hard. And then when he is hard, you’re in the perfect position to have sex.

9. Help Him Put The Condom On

One of the biggest moments for a guy to lose his erection and experience some sort of erectile dysfunction is in the condom putting on process.

This is because usually it’s a pretty awkward process. We’ve got to stop what we’re doing. We’re getting hot and heavy touching each other. And all of a sudden we stop.

I’ve got to go to the drawer, got to get the condom out. I’ve got to open those stupid wrappers, find out which way the condom goes and put it on. All while the girl is just kind of waiting for you to get it done.

This completely takes him out of the experience. He’s now focused on the condom wrapper more than he is on being aroused. And it’s likely that his penis isn’t being touched. So he’s naturally going to lose blood flow.

So instead of doing this awkward sort of condom putting on process, help him to put on the condom. So this could be either as he’s getting the condom ready, you’re continuing to touch him or giving him a blowjob.

Or if he’s touching himself, you can actually be the one to take the condom and unwrap it. And you can put the condom on him, which can be really sexy. And you can even put the condom on him with your mouth.

10. Touch And Please Each Other

Now, if you get to the point and it really isn’t happening and you’ve tried different things and the erection’s just not coming, then there’s still so many different things that you can do together. There’s different ways that you can touch and please each other.

He can please you, and you can even suggest to him, “I’d really love to do some oral sex tonight. How do you feel about giving me oral?” And he might really enjoy that and want to go down on you.

And if he can give you multiple orgasms, then he’s not going to feel as bad about the fact that he wasn’t able to get erect. Chances are you’re not going to feel as bad either, but it’s going to be a more connected experience.

And I can say from personal experience as a man, when I’m able to give the person that I’m with multiple orgasms, it doesn’t matter whether my dick was working or not.

In fact, sometimes I’ve had sessions with partners where I’ve just given them oral and orgasms and we haven’t tried to have sex at all. Not because of any erectile dysfunction, but just because that’s the way things flowed that night. And honestly, it was so sexy and I felt so empowered as a man afterwards.

11. Explore Some Dom/Sub Play

Rather than the focus being on intercourse, you could explore some restraints or explore some impact play.

And it could be him in the dominant position focusing on you, or it could be the other way around with you in the more dominant position and him being more submissive. But this can still be a really great experience together and it doesn’t require a hard penis.

It’s just going to be something that you’ll want to talk about outside of the bedroom. It’s not something that you just want to whip out in the moment in most cases.

12. Go Into Aftercare Mode

And lastly, if the sex does need to stop, then go into aftercare mode. Chances are he’s going to be feeling pretty lousy, pretty vulnerable if he was unable to get it up.

So if you’re able to care for him and touch him and caress him and reassure him, then this can often go a really long way, because chances are this isn’t going to be your only sexual encounter with each other. There’s going to be more.

So if you make this a positive experience, chances are that next time you’re in bed together, he’s going to be more likely to get it up.

However, if you make it a negative experience, if you shame him, if you ask him what’s wrong, or you continue to ask him, “Is it me? Are you not turned on by me?”, he’s going to get more stressed the next time you go to have sex, because he’s going to feel like if he can’t get it up, you’re going to be emotionally upset.

So if you can reassure him, then that’s going to take that stress away, which is going to make future erections easier.

A little bit of erectile dysfunction isn’t the end of the world. But if you want some tools and resources about how your man can get harder, healthier erections, then go ahead and get access to the free ED toolkit, or go ahead and watch the video on soft penis play, to learn about all the different things you can do together, even if he’s unable to get it up.

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