What To Do With a Woman Who Has Never Orgasmed Before

If you’re connecting with a woman and she lets you know that she’s never had an orgasm before, not just never had an orgasm during sex before but never had an orgasm in her life before, then there are some things that you should and shouldn’t do in order to make her more comfortable, to make the whole sexual experience better for her and so the two of you can connect and have a lot of fun without some of the problems that I see a lot of guys making when they’re with women who haven’t had an orgasm before in their life.

1. Don’t Say “I’m Going To Make You Come”

The number one thing that you shouldn’t do, and I see so many people doing this and I hear so many stories about guys who do this, is you don’t want to say, “Well, I’m going to be the person to make you come for the first time. Just you wait and see, I am going to give you that delicious orgasm.”

Don’t say that.

Your intentions may be good and you want to give this partner of yours pleasure. You want to help them to feel that climax. By saying this, you’re just piling the pressure onto them.

Chances are they already feel a little bit insecure about this. They may have had partners in the past that haven’t been extremely nice about the fact that they can’t orgasm because sometimes people get self-conscious and they might take it personally that she can’t orgasm or they might blame her that she can’t orgasm with them and so there can be a lot of issues or mental barriers around this situation.

So by you saying, “I’m going to be the one to make you do it,” well, you might think, “Okay, I’m just trying to give her pleasure.” You’re actually putting pressure on her mentally that she now feels like she has to orgasm in order for you to be satisfied with the sexual experience that you’re having together and that’s just completely not true.

You don’t want the goal of your session to be her having an orgasm because if she’s never orgasmed in her life, the chance of her orgasming during sex with you is very, very slim, especially if you’re connecting with each other for the first time.

Maybe if you’re partners and you’ve been together for some time, then we’ll talk about that towards the end of the article. There are some things you can do to help bring them closer to climax but if you’re just connecting with someone for the first time or it’s just a casual situation, then don’t put the pressure on them to say, “I’m going to make you come.”

Let them know, “Thank you for sharing that with me. It’s completely fine that you’re unable to orgasm. Let’s just have fun together and let’s do things that make you feel good. You don’t have to orgasm, you know, I might orgasm during the experience but you don’t need to in order for this to be an enjoyable experience together.”

And I think overall this is an attitude we need to take towards sex with our partners in general: so often we just have orgasming as the goal that we are heading to and then we forget about the whole journey there.

Sex can feel really good and doesn’t have to lead to an orgasm in order to be a good session and a good connection and time with our partners but especially with someone who’s never orgasmed in their life, it can’t be the goal because they’ve shown that throughout their life they can’t achieve it and often there’s some trauma around that or there’s some mental barriers or there’s something going on that’s actually holding them back, so it could be abuse from their past, it could be so many different things that you don’t know about.

So let’s take away orgasm as the goal, share with them, “Yeah, thank you for sharing that with me. Let’s just have fun, we’re going to do things that make you feel good and we’re going to have a great time anyway. You don’t need to orgasm, that’s absolutely fine.”

2. Make It Clear It’s Not About The Orgasm

Then when you are giving your partner pleasure, whether it be through using your hands, through oral or through actually having sexual intercourse, there’s little tweaks that you can do that make it clear to them that it’s not about the orgasm.

So often guys will finger girls or they will go down on girls with the goal of giving them an orgasm and it becomes very clear in the way that you move in your rhythm and everything where you start slow and rhythmically and then build up faster and faster in order to bring them to orgasm.

If you’re with someone who’s never orgasmed, we kind of want to throw away that rhythm a bit. Now we don’t want to say have no rhythm at all because you want to listen to your partner, be in sync with them as you’re giving them pleasure but then rather than having the build up, build up, build up till they come, what we can do is actually think about pleasure in terms of waves with these partners.

So we can start really slow and sensual and making them feel good and then have moments where we do build up and we have some consistent rhythm and maybe some speed to build them up but if we can sense that they’re not going to orgasm, because chances are that they won’t, rather than keep going and keep going, which is going to actually push them into oversensitivity or it’s going to become numb because you’re doing the same thing over and over — build up, build up, build up and then change the rhythm, stop, do something different in order to let them know, “Hey, I’m not just doing this so you come, I’m just doing this to give you waves of pleasure,” and so you can build up little waves and then into more intensity and more intensity or you can just go at your own pace.

Go with the flow and see how things work and the same during intercourse as well. While you may want to build up that speed in order for yourself to have an orgasm, you don’t really want to build up that speed for them to have an orgasm.

So try different speeds, try different rhythms, go from fast to slow and grinding, different positions as well to give them an overall really pleasurable experience without needing to orgasm.

For most of you that should give you enough tips and the right mindset for how to approach having sex with someone who’s never had an orgasm but as you know if you’ve read my articles, I like to save some of the best stuff for last to reward those of you who read all the way through.

And if you’re connecting with a partner regularly and you actually want to help to bring them to orgasm and I guess break this drought that they’ve been having in their life, and that comes from not an egocentric “I want to be the person to make you come” but from a loving “I really care about this person and I’d love if they could experience this”, then here are some tips for you.

3. Talk To Your Partner About Their Pleasure

Really talk to your partner about their pleasure and about their experience with orgasming or nearly orgasming in their life.

So talk to them about the sex that they’ve been having, talk to them about masturbation, whether or not they use toys, talk to them about whether they prefer clit stimulation or internal stimulation.

You may also want to open up the conversation around any past trauma or abuse that they may have had or anything that they think might be holding them back from orgasming. Most of the time it’s actually going to be mental that’s holding them back rather than something physical.

Now it may be something physical as well. I have noticed that with women with much smaller clits that are very hidden under the hood and don’t protrude out as much, it can be more difficult for them to reach orgasm than women who have larger clitorises. I don’t know if that’s scientifically proven or not, that’s just from my own experience, that it can be more difficult, however still possible.

However, I noticed that most people who can’t orgasm, it is something mental and there is some form of disconnect there.

Open up the conversation with them, talk about all this stuff in an extremely non-judgmental way. You just want to find out more about them, more about what they’ve gone through so that you can work on this together.

Let them know that this is a team effort, that this is something that you would like to try but also let them know that there is absolutely no pressure for them to ever orgasm with you ever, okay.

While you would like to be able to give them this gift, they don’t need to achieve that in order for you to have a good time together, in order for you to have good sex or you to be satisfied. Remember we’re not making orgasm the penultimate goal. Sure it’d be nice if we can get there but we just want to give our partner pleasure.

4. Experiment With Things Together

Now that you’ve had these conversations around what is their past experience, what do they like, try and experiment with things together when your partner is feeling comfortable and feeling safe and feeling aroused.

So you can try a variety of different techniques. Take time to use your hands or to use your mouth with your partner and let them know that there’s no goal of intercourse, that you don’t need to get off in this session. That you just want to see what feels good for them and just know that this is probably going to take multiple, multiple sessions in order for you to find out what they like and in order to get them closer and closer to orgasm.

Also what you want to do is open up the lines of communication with your partner to say, “Okay, I’m going to try different things with you. I’m going to try maybe different techniques or different rhythms. Let me know what you like. Let’s find out together what you like,” and don’t be afraid to use toys as well.

5. Don’t Be Afraid To Use Toys

Women in general find it difficult to orgasm from intercourse alone. The penis is quite a blunt instrument after all and most women do come from clit stimulation rather than internal stimulation.

So if you’ve got a partner that’s never orgasmed, don’t expect that their first one is going to be through intercourse. Chances are it probably won’t be.

You want to use toys. They are your friends in this situation. They can deliver so much more power, so much more pleasure than you can by yourself and you can combine them with the intimacy that you have with your partner, the love and the safety that you have, your touch which can be very arousing for them and the pleasure that toys can bring to build them up and to give them something amazing.

You also don’t need to control the toys. Let your partner control them sometimes or you can experiment with different things.

6. Talk Dirty

Other things to try is to actually talk dirty with your partner while you’re having these experiences.

So remember, most people who can’t orgasm at all, there’s going to be a mental barrier there and so for some people talking dirty to them, talking about how much they turn you on or talk about how they’re your little plaything or whatever role play you guys want to get into, by communicating, by talking dirty with them, it can really take them out of their head and out of the moment as they begin to imagine the things that you’re telling them and that can help to push them over the edge.

7. Patience, Love And Affection

But above all else, you just want patience, you want love, you want affection and you want to not make orgasm the goal in your relationship. It’s not the goal.

Have a lot of sex without orgasm. Even try having sex without orgasming yourself just to experience it from their perspective and encourage them to work on it themselves as well.

You are not responsible for their orgasm. You can do everything within your power to help try to bring someone to orgasm but ultimately she is responsible for her own orgasm and if she wants to learn to orgasm she can practice with herself as well, with masturbation, with toys, get to know her body better and what feels good, communicate back to you and then you can try those things together as well.

So there are some tips and tricks and mindsets and approaches to connecting and having sex with a partner who hasn’t orgasmed before.

Remember, orgasms shouldn’t be our goal in sex anyway. We should just be having fun, connecting and giving each other pleasure. So don’t worry about it too much if they’re unable to reach a climax. You can still have a really connected and a really empowering and exciting experience together without the need for orgasm anyway.

If you do want to experiment with some techniques on your partner or some ways to help them feel calm, go ahead and check out my article on the top G-spot stroking techniques or check out my video on some of the things that you should say when giving oral sex that can help her relax and help her more likely to experience pleasure and potentially orgasm as well.