Sexually Incompatible? Signs & What To Do About It

Illustration of a couple on a date: he is imagining sex, she is thinking about the laundry

There’s one really great question that you can ask dates or partners that will reveal whether or not the two of you are likely to be sexually compatible or whether you’re likely to be sexually incompatible and it’s going to cause an issue in your relationship.

Understanding the differences in your sex drives will play a major role in how much sex you’re having and how sexually fulfilled and happy each of you feel in that relationship.

Hey, I’m Phoenix Blake, sex coach and educator, and I personally experienced relationships where we were sexually incompatible and my sex drive was a lot higher than hers and we just weren’t on the same page.

And then I’ve been in relationships where we are sexually compatible and our sex drives lined up, and what I was shamed for in one relationship and made to feel bad about, this new partner was like, “This is one of my favorite things about you. I absolutely love this about you and our relationship.”

Needless to say, at least in the area of sex, you can guess which relationship was better for me as well as for the partner that I was with.

By asking this one simple question, you can work out whether your sex drives are on a similar level and you’re going to complement each other, or potentially your sex drives are really mismatched and that’s going to cause issues in your relationship.

I remember going on a date with a beautiful woman who hadn’t really had sex in the last couple of years. So from the outset, I’d probably think, okay, she probably has quite a low sex drive because sex hasn’t been a priority for her.

But when I asked her this question, her answer was much higher than I expected and it was basically perfectly in line with my answer.

Ultimately, we ended up in a relationship and her answer was correct. We were aligned and we had a great sexual relationship for as long as it lasted.

A Full Spectrum Of Sexual Desire

Graph of the spectrum of sexual desire from once a month to several times a day, with desire over time for someone satisfied after one session and someone ready to go again

It’s very common for people to have very different desires and expectations when it comes to the frequency of sex that they have in a relationship.

Some people can have sex one time and then after the sex, they feel completely satisfied. They feel like, “That was great, but don’t touch me. I’m good. I don’t need any more sex for a while now.”

And for that person, a while now could be one day. It could be a week or a month. Some people just feel very satisfied after just one sexual experience and they don’t need to go again.

Then you’ve got people on the other end of the spectrum where they can have sex and they have such a high sex drive and a high desire that they want to go again straight away and they want to have sex multiple times a day.

Now, those people may never reach that feeling of, “Okay, that was great, but I’m satisfied. Don’t touch me. I don’t need any more sex,” or they may need to have a big day of back-to-back-to-back sessions where all they’re doing that day is having sex.

And finally, they get to the point where they’re like, “Whoa, okay, that’s enough.” And then they might go to sleep that night, wake up the next day and still have sexual desire and be ready to go again.

A great way to get your partner to want to have more sex with you is for the sex to be vibrant and diverse. And one of the best ways to do this is for you to learn techniques to be able to give your partner amazing amounts of pleasure through fingering, through oral sex, and through intercourse.

I’ve got a free video guide on how to give great oral and give your partner amazing oral orgasms. So go to passionately.com/oral to sign up for the newsletter and get access to that. And you’ll also get daily tips on how you can be the best lover that you can be.

So there’s a full spectrum of sexual desire and people fall at different areas on this spectrum.

One’s not better than the other. Someone who has sex once a week or once a month, if they’re happy, then that’s fine for them. And someone might have sex once a day or multiple times a day and they’re happy and they’re both living good lives. As long as it works for them, that’s important.

When Your Sex Drives Are Mismatched

Diagram of two partners at opposite ends of the sex drive spectrum compared with two partners in the same area of the spectrum

But the issue arises when you get someone on one side of the spectrum who partners up with someone on the other side of the spectrum. Now, a lot of aspects of their relationship could be really great.

But if you’ve got someone on one side that wants to have sex twice a day, and you’ve got someone on the other side that wants to have sex once a month, then what’s going to happen is the first person is going to be pestering the second person and going to want to have more sex.

The one who doesn’t want to have sex is going to feel really frustrated and annoyed and is going to feel like, “All you really want me for is sex.” And then that’s going to cause conflict.

And then you’ve got the person on the other side who really desires their partner and wants to have sex with them. It’s not necessarily a greedy thing, but it’s how they like to connect and express.

And they’re going to feel completely neglected. They’re going to feel completely rejected. They might be shamed by their partner for wanting so much sex, which has definitely happened to me and can be really devastating.

Or on the other hand, they might shame their partner for not wanting sex. And so it can be devastating for both people.

However, when you find people who are in the same area of the spectrum, so maybe they both don’t want much sex, maybe they want an average amount of sex, maybe they both want a lot of sex, then both of those people can be really happy, at least in the sexual part of the relationship.

Now, obviously, there’s more to a relationship and compatibility than just sex. However, for many people, this is a really important part of their romantic relationships and getting this aligned can make your relationship so much better.

The Best Time To Ask This Question

Illustration of a couple chatting at a table on a date, asking a fun hypothetical question

Now, I personally found the best time to ask this question is when you are getting to know someone or you’re newly dating someone, because that way the question is not personal to you. And it’s not personal to the sex that the two of you are having.

If you’re already in an established relationship, then this question can still work. But you need to take it with a grain of salt, because there’s other factors that are going to affect their answer, such as if you’ve had any issues with sex in your relationship, if your desires are misaligned, or things like their desire for you and whether sex is still vibrant and exciting or it’s gotten boring can all play a role in the answer.

The Question

The sexual compatibility question: with money, work and kids taken care of and an amazing partner, how often would you want sex to feel satisfied

So finally, the question that I ask people to work out whether or not we are sexually compatible is this.

I try to weave it into the conversation naturally, and when we’re talking about sexual things, I’ll bring this up and I say to them, this is a question that I like to ask people to see what their sex drive is like.

And the question is this: Hypothetically, if money was taken care of, and you didn’t have to work — and if the person has kids, you can also say, and say your kids were moved out, and you didn’t have to look after your kids anymore — and you had an amazing partner or multiple partners who you loved having sex with, how often would you want to have sex per week or per day in order to feel satisfied, when you’re able to hypothetically take away all the stresses of life with money and kids and you can do what you want with your day and with your time?

And if you’ve got these amazing people in your life that you just have a great connection with and you love having sex with, how often would you want to have sex to get that feeling of satisfaction and be like, “Yep, I’m happy. Now I want to do other things with my day”?

So that’s the question. It’s a fun hypothetical to think about.

Ask this question of yourself to find out where you land and then ask this of the people that you’re dating or your partners to see where they land. And sometimes the results will surprise you.

But for your partner to continue to want to have a high frequency of sex, then the sex needs to be good and it needs to be connected and it needs to be vibrant. And for that, you need to know what you’re doing and you need to be able to give her good pleasure.

So go ahead and check out this video on exactly how to pleasure the clitoris and how to give her amazing clitoral orgasms.